EMERGED from the Cocoon

Heaven is the Face

2009-11-16T17:40:00.000-08:00

This song speaks so dearly to my heart.... Stephen Curtis Chapman is such a gifted writer. What a blessing this song is to me. If you have not yet heard it, you really must.

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”

Chorus:

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.
So right now...

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.

Bridge:

But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there’s no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there’s no more enemy (no more).

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.

So long, farewell....

2009-08-09T21:08:00.000-07:00

I have been contemplating what to do with this blog ever since Brooks was born. I really wanted to share his birth with everyone I had met while writing. Once I did that I realized a few things: #1 I had no time to write, #2 I don't have much to say any more, and #3 I don't like using the same venue to celebrate his life that I used to mourn hers. I started writing to express my grief during my time of loss and that time is over. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I am over Caroline's death... or that I'll ever be... it's just that I feel like I don't need this outlet any more. I am grateful for all the people I met through writing and hope some of my words were helpful to others in my same situation. I know that I needed this during that season in my life and now that season has passed. I will always miss her, be changed because of her, and remember the lessons I learned from losing her, but it is time to move on.

If you would like to follow our life in pictures, feel free to visit us here.

Laughter

2009-08-03T17:19:00.000-07:00

Brooks has been laughing outloud in his sleep since right after he was born. Really, he chuckles and his belly shakes like someone told him the best joke ever. However, he has yet to laugh outloud when he is awake. We put this Jumper together about 3 weeks ago and have been trying to put Brooks in it since then. Everytime we tried his feet couldn't quite touch. We tried tonight and he LOVED it!!! We caught his giggles on camera.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Brooks' baptism

2009-07-19T17:01:00.001-07:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

Happy Daddy

2009-06-21T19:37:00.000-07:00

It was a great Father's Day! We went to church and then to "Gramps'" house for crabs. Since I cannot keep up with the blog as much as I would like to, I am posting pictures here.

Baby Blessings

2009-06-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

First I must apologize for becoming a total slacker at blogging. I keep meaning to write and then... a week has passed and I forget.

Many of my very dear friends have had babies these last months. Shelley, who I have known since elementary school, had her baby boy, Ethan 17 days before Brooks. Cathy had her baby girl, Grace, on May 1st. And yesterday, my dear friend Kelly had a baby girl, Lyla. It is an undescribable feeling to know the same friend you went to Toga parties with, shared your first apartment with, and road-tripped all the way to Key West with will now be on the journey of motherhood with you too. It just makes me so happy to know that we will be able to watch our kids grow up together!!! Thank you Lord for these blessings, these beautiful babies!

We're Back!!!

2009-05-25T10:14:00.003-07:00

Remember this post??
Well they are back and this time there are FOUR!!! Pretty cool, huh?!

Great Song

2009-05-11T18:56:00.000-07:00

This is such a beautiful song, by Alan Jackson. It makes me think of Caroline every time I hear it on the radio.

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

Smile, it's Mother's Day!!

2009-05-10T17:20:00.000-07:00

What a difference...

2009-05-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

a year can make. Today we participated in March for Babies (in the pouring down rain). Last year we walked in memory of our daughter and with hope for another baby.

Today, of course her memory was on our hearts as it always is, but we were also able to walk to celebrate the answered prayer that is our son.

Thank you everyone who joined us today and supported this mission.

Brooks' First Time at the Beach

2009-04-27T18:25:00.001-07:00

Before I Was a Mom

2009-04-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

My best friend, Lindsay, sent me this today.

Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt!
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment,
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom ....

2009-04-13T16:06:00.001-07:00

It hardly seems real that he is really here. I never knew you could love someone so much! He is such a good baby and we are so blessed and grateful.

Here are a few pictures of his first week:)

He's Here!!!

2009-04-06T19:45:00.001-07:00

Wow! What a day.. we are feeling blessed! Brooks Michael is finally here. He weighed in at 8 lbs 3 oz and is 20.8 inches long. He was born at 4:08 PM today, just in time for the O's Opening Day! Will post more later.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

2009-04-02T19:03:00.000-07:00

I am going to the hospital Sunday evening for my induction.
Will update when he gets here:)

Update

2009-04-01T19:52:00.000-07:00

At my doctor's appointment today I still had not progressed. The doctor was extremely kind and compassionate. She understood my heightened anxiety due to my history and agreed to schedule my induction. I hope to have the time/ date tomorrow. At the earliest it will be Friday, but could be early next week too. Will update as soon as I know:)

The Waiting Game....

2009-03-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

So last Friday was my last day of work. So my week has consisted of a lunch date with mom, dinner with friends, a hair appointment, grocery shopping and making some returns. I have stocked the house with literally every comfort food you can think of (think ding dongs and fritos:) and worn in all my comfiest sweats. I have also watched every baby show that there is on the TV. At my appointment yesterday, I was still 1 cm. I expressed my increasing anxieties to the doctor and although she was sympathetic she was also quite candid and realistic about what is likely to happen. Due to the lack of progress and the fact that I have not had any contractions it looks like the waiting game will continue. While you never know what could happen from day to day the doctor said it is likey I will be induced if things do not progress on their own. Oh, and they don't like to induce before 42 weeks! Ugh! That would mean sitting here for 3 more weeks. So 5 more days until my due date and my next appointment. At that time we will see how things are going and if nothing has changed an induction date will be set. I left there with tears in my eyes and a Rx for Zoloft in hand. Nick put it perfectly... Gone are the days that hearing the heartbeat is "good enough". So why am I so disappointed when knowing he is healthy and not 'due' yet should be enough to ease my mind? For me it is the fact that we are soooo close but yet it seems so far away. The hours and days tick by like an eternity. Until I hold that boy in my arms it is still very surreal that this is actually going to happen and that everything is going to be ok this time. God grant me patience...and get this boy to come soon!!!

Progress!!

2009-03-19T17:21:00.000-07:00

I had my 38 week appointment today. I am one centimeter dilated. Tomorrow is my last day of work and then it's all a waiting game from here on out! Will keep you posted!!!

An article featuring.... me:)

2009-03-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

An article from the March of Dimes Maryland-National Capital
Area Chapter's Newsletter
The Power to Help Save Babies is at Your Fingertips

NICU doctors and nurses have tools at their fingertips to help save babies. So do you. The Online Fundraising Tool (OFT) allows walkers to raise hundreds to thousands of dollars—all from their desktop or laptop computer. Jessica Klug of Baltimore, Md., used OFT in 2008 and she raised $1,724. “I think the [OFT] Web site looks great,” she told Jennifer Tarr, community director in the Central Maryland Division office in Baltimore. “That is how I did all of my fundraising last year—online.”

Jessica served as team captain for her first-year family team, Team Angel Baby, which raised $9,832. The team raised more than 60 percent of its funds online.

Team Angel Baby was one of the top teams in the March of Dimes Maryland-National Capital Area Chapter. Jessica shared a few secrets of her success so this year’s walkers and teams could raise much-needed funds and help more babies:

1. “I placed March for Babies widgets and badges on my blog and Facebook page.”
The March of Dimes has developed badges, widgets and banners to help you show your support of March for Babies. These items can be used in your e-mails and on your blog, Facebook page or MySpace page to help promote the event and your fundraising efforts. Even the official March for Babies logo is available for use on your Web site, in personal and company newsletters or on a team T-shirt to help you promote March for Babies. To download these items, please visit http://www.marchforbabies.org/spread_the_word.aspx.

“Jessica did a great job in utilizing the social networking tools provided by the March of Dimes to recruit walkers and inform her team about the walk and the important mission of the March of Dimes,” said Tarr.

2. “I walked in memory of my daughter, who was stillborn in October 2007.”
Jessica told her supporters she was walking in memory of her daughter. Your personal and team OFT pages have space for pictures and text to explain why you’re walking. Perhaps you’re also walking in memory of a child, or to celebrate the birth of a child—one born healthy or too soon. Tell your supporters why you’re walking and that they’re welcome to join you or form their own team.

3. “I had a huge outpouring of support from my family and friends.”
Jessica raised all of her money online. Her donors gave anywhere from $20 to $100. And thanks to OFT, she could reach donors who lived across the street or across the country. Her friends saw her fundraising badge when they read her e-mails and her Facebook and blog visitors saw her March for Babies widgets. The badges and widgets allowed friends and family to donate online effortlessly and immediately. The average walker who uses OFT raises more than double the amount of a walker who doesn’t use OFT.

If you’re part of a family or corporate team, your team captain will thank you for using OFT. Team captains whose members use OFT have less cash and checks to submit on Bank Day or Walk Day, can track all of their walkers and amounts raised, and can communicate easily with walkers about upcoming activities, special promotions and your team’s fundraising goal.

Please visit http://www.marchforbabies.org to register for March for Babies and utilize the OFT to meet your fundraising goals and help more babies.

Prayer Request

2009-03-05T16:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Lord,
I am growing quite anxious to meet this little one. I know 4 more weeks doesn't seem so long, but each day seems to be dragging on like an eternity. Please help me to be patient as I wait for this miracle to arrive.

Amen

I know the saying goes...

2009-03-01T12:23:00.000-08:00

"April showers bring May flowers." but in my case I hope it is "February showers bring March BABY!!!!"

I am soooooooo very blessed to have such wonderful family and friends. We were truly showered with love!

25/36/35

2009-02-23T16:07:00.000-08:00

No those are not measurements of my body by any stretch of the imagination. In fact I would hate to know what my measurements are at this stage of the game! I can barely tie my own shoes and finding a comfortable position for sleeping has become quite the challenge. When I was typing the numbers I had "I like big butts and I cannot lie going thru my head"... pregnancy does strange things to my mind. Lins, if you are reading this do you remember how many times we were forced to listen to that in Jeff's car!?

Anyway.....those numbers do represent how I have spent the last 97 weeks of my life. I don't even know what made me think of it, but I realized that my life has been consumed with having a baby for that long! I was pregnant with Caroline for 25 weeks, not pregnant and wishing I was for the next 36, and then for the last 35 I have been pregnant with Brooks. Up until the last couple of weeks I have felt pretty good, but suddenly I am very uncomfortable and having a really hard time making it thru the days at work without a tear here or there. So...when I look back and think of it, WOW! 97 weeks = 679 days! That makes me realize that the next 37 days should go by pretty fast and who knows he may even come before that!

I tried out a new church yesterday and really liked it. Something that the pastor said stuck with me and I wanted to share it with you. "The same sun that melts wax hardens clay". Think on that.

Don't forget!

2009-02-20T19:00:00.000-08:00

Don't forget to sign up to walk with us!!!!
Only 72 days to go...

What: March for Babies
When: May 3, 2009
Where:Camden Yards
333 W. Camden Street
Baltimore, MD (21201)

Sign up to walk with us now! Simply click here to go to our site and click on "walk with me".

Notes from Nick

2009-02-09T19:42:00.000-08:00

I got home from my "Stamp Club" to find Nick had been working on this all night.
Check it out...
I will continue to post here too for a while.

A Vast and Sudden Sadness

2009-02-05T18:17:00.000-08:00

An article from "Newsweek"

Each year thousands of families experience stillbirth. As science seeks causes, parents use photography to honor their babies and cope with their grief.

Claudia Kalb
NEWSWEEK
From the magazine issue dated Feb 9, 2009
Marirosa Anderson was still sweating from a workout when her cell phone rang at 8:20 p.m. on Nov. 11, a particularly cold night in northern Virginia. Anderson had planned to spend the evening with her husband and two small children. Then she saw the caller-ID number. She took a deep breath, readied herself and answered the phone. Karen Harvey, a labor-and-delivery nurse at Inova Fairfax Hospital, gave her the rundown. A baby was about to be delivered by C-section and the parents wanted photographs. Could she come right over?

Anderson threw on jeans and a sweatshirt, grabbed her camera bag and ran out the door. At the hospital, Harvey led her to a quiet room where Laurie Jackson and her husband, Michael, were waiting. Laurie's pregnancy had been easy and enjoyable, filled with the happy buzz of baby showers and the lovely air of expectation. But during a routine check that Tuesday afternoon—just three days before her due date—the Jacksons were given the incomprehensible news that their baby no longer had a heartbeat. The night before, Laurie had felt the baby kicking. Now she and Michael were confronting the impossible: saying hello and goodbye to their firstborn child at the very same time.

Anderson introduced herself, then took out her camera, turning her attention to a perfect little girl who lay still in a bassinet, peaceful in a white cotton blanket with pink and blue stripes. "She's precious," Anderson said. Then she started to shoot. The baby's face. Click. Her tiny hands. Click. Her little pink feet. Click. Now it was time for the three of them. Laurie cradled her baby girl in the crook of her elbow, Michael leaned in next to her. Together they studied their daughter's face—her mouth resembled Laurie's family, the rest was pure Michael—they whispered to each other, they came together as a family. Their baby girl weighed six pounds, seven ounces and she was 19 inches long. They named her Brenna Rose.

Pregnancy is supposed to be the most wonderful time, brimming with anticipation, kicking with newness and life. But as novelist Elizabeth McCracken writes in "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination," a recent memoir about the death of her first baby, "this is the happiest story in the world with the saddest ending." Stillbirth happens more often than we imagine—10 times more often than sudden infant death syndrome, or SIDS, a condition most every parent knows about and dreads. Every year some 26,000 babies die during or after the 20th week in their mothers' womb (a loss before that is considered a miscarriage) or die during birth. In at least half of all cases, doctors have no idea what went wrong. The impact is impossible to measure. Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends—all must figure out how to absorb the vast and sudden sadness, to grieve and, in many instances, to reconcile with a God who has shaken their faith to its core.

Decades ago, stillborn babies were whisked away from their parents to morgues; doctors and nurses pretended nothing happened, mothers were medicated with Valium, parents suffered their sorrow alone. It was in the late 1970s and early 1980s that the medical and psychological thinking about stillbirth began to evolve when researchers started studying the impact of a baby's death and parents began telling their stories. From silence and detachment came acknowledgment and remembrance. Today nurses encourage parents to hold the babies. Molds of hands and feet are created. Locks of hair are collected. And photographs are taken. Not just the clinical snapshots that nurses have been capturing for years, but striking and sensitive portraits that have burgeoned since the formation of a group called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep in 2005.

Volunteer photographers who belong to the group, including Anderson, take pictures of stillborn babies—and babies expected to die soon after birth—for their parents at no cost. The idea was born from the life of Maddux Haggard, who was 6 days old and on life support in Colorado when his parents, Cheryl and Mike, decided they wanted pictures of their baby and contacted Sandy Puc', a local photographer well known for her beautiful baby portraits. After that photo session four years ago, Cheryl Haggard and Puc' founded Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, which has since grown to 7,000 photographers, most of them professionals, across the globe.

Photographing the dead may seem strange, even morbid, especially in our American culture so uncomfortable with death. Those feelings are only intensified when the dead are the newly born or just hours or days old. "We associate giving birth with life, with the future, with the defiance of death," says Irving Leon, a psychologist at the University of Michigan Medical Center in Ann Arbor who specializes in reproductive loss. "To have that smashed, violated so powerfully, it's something people don't want to look at, both literally and metaphorically."

Postmortem photography, though, has a long and treasured past. In the 19th century, when people died at home, families spent much of their savings on expensive silver daguerreotypes depicting their loved ones after they had passed away. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is a modern-day incarnation of this "memento mori" photographic genre (Latin for "remember your death"). Memories facilitate grieving, says Leon, which is critical to long-term healing. Holding a baby, talking to her and photographing her—all create memories that help parents cope with a devastating loss.

Parents who are hesitant about holding their babies often change their minds toward the end of a shoot, realizing that they'll have no other chance to embrace their child. And the sessions bestow a quiet time for mothers and fathers to treasure and honor their babies without any interruption from nurses or doctors. In years past, parents didn't expect all of their children to live. Today babies are dreamed about and dwelt on, and the deep attachment that develops between parents—especially mothers—and their unborn children starts earlier than ever before. At eight weeks, a baby's heartbeat can be seen on ultrasound; parents now find out gender and assign names months before their babies are born. All this has intensified the grief reactions many women feel after they suffer not just a stillbirth, but a miscarriage too, says Leon.

Studies show that mothers benefit from bonding with their stillborn babies. Joanne Cacciatore, a researcher at Arizona State University, studied 3,000 women and found that those who had the chance to see and hold their babies had fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety. This benefit may be temporarily reversed during a subsequent pregnancy. And nobody should be pressured to hold their babies. But more than 80 percent of women who did not regretted the lost opportunity. Cacciatore, whose fourth baby, Cheyenne, died in 1994, calls this a period of "ritualization," a time for parents to honor their child and to feel some semblance of control during an emotionally chaotic time. Holding a stillborn baby allows women to connect and then separate themselves from their babies after months united in the same body. And it gives parents the chance to create positive memories, rather than live with the unknown: What did she feel like? Whose nose did she have? Was she peaceful?

Doctors, nurses and social workers who encounter stillbirth have come to know this, and their thinking about how to care for patients has evolved enormously. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's seminal 1969 book, "On Death and Dying," exposed the impact of loss and the long and intricate process of grieving. Parents of stillborn babies started talking about what it felt like to lose their children; physicians and psychologists began challenging the hush-hush approach. Michele Schwarzmann, director of maternal child health at Mercy Medical Center in Baltimore, can't forget the first stillbirth she witnessed in the 1970s. " 'Michele, you can't cry, you have to be strong'," she remembers her supervisor telling her. A decade later, Schwarzmann says she was finally allowed to express her sadness: "I sobbed for every baby I never got to cry over."

Stillbirth is in many ways a medical mystery. Despite its gravity, it has been largely overlooked. Even today, researchers don't know the true incidence of stillbirth nor do they fully understand why it happens. In some cases, doctors can identify a cause—a prenatal infection that travels from mother to baby, a genetic anomaly, a placental abruption, an umbilical-cord accident. But in at least half of all cases—more than 10,000 a year—they can't pinpoint the problem. "Over the last 50 years, we've put a lot of research and clinical energy into preventing sick babies from dying after birth and a lot of energy into premature babies," says Dr. Robert Silver, an Ob-Gyn at the University of Utah School of Medicine. "We haven't put the same energy into stillbirth."

All that became clear at a workshop held by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) in 2001. "We realized that we needed to do a study that was larger than anything undertaken in this country," says Dr. Catherine Spong, chief of NICHD's Pregnancy & Perinatology Branch. With NICHD funding, Silver and other researchers began collecting data on more than 500 stillbirths at five sites around the country. Now they're analyzing the information. The hope is that the new information will help researchers sort out how to reduce a woman's risk for stillbirth, identify problems in advance so that couples can prepare for a loss and, ultimately, save lives.

No matter how good the science gets, however, some number of babies will continue to die and parents will continue to grapple with the shock. Not long after joining Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep in 2007, photographer Jennifer Clark got a call from a hospital near Salt Lake City. The parents, Melina and Tom Anderson (unrelated to Marirosa Anderson), had three other children—a son, Jack, then 6, and two daughters, Amy, 4, and Mae, 2—and they were excited about welcoming their fourth, another girl, named Ella. At 39 weeks, however, the baby's heartbeat started dropping precipitously and Melina had to have an emergency C-section under general anesthesia. Melina remembers waking up and hearing her doctor say, "I'm so sorry, she didn't make it." The umbilical cord, wrapped tightly four times around the baby's neck and once around her arm, had cut off her blood supply. Melina "made the kind of sound you never want to hear," says Tom. "Not really a scream, but almost. A moan." And then she started to cry.

Clark was nervous. "I remember standing outside the door before I went in and I prayed," she says. "I wanted to make photos they would cherish." She also remembers a sense of peacefulness as she worked. It was a sacred time, and she was buoyed by the gratitude shown by Tom and Melina. But she was also profoundly saddened. At times, she had to put her camera down to wipe the tears from her eyes as she captured the images. Amy touching Ella's fingers. Mae, in her pink-and-yellow kitty-cat pajamas, a pacifier in her mouth, peering at the baby's face. Jack, who had accompanied his mother to every doctor's appointment. Tom and Melina looking at their daughter's face.

The next day Tom carried his daughter to a hospital exit next to the ER, far from the place where new mothers are wheeled out with newborns in their arms and smiles on their faces. A mortuary attendant strapped Ella onto a gurney and drove off in a big white van. In the weeks after Ella's burial, Melina suffered both physical and emotional pain. Her breasts had to be bandaged to stop the milk from coming in—a poignant reminder of what should have been. Pregnant women brought tears to her eyes; new babies made her think about the milestones she was missing with Ella. But tangled up in the sadness was the conviction that Ella needed to be remembered. Clark's images allowed Melina to savor a face that was fading from her memory. And the Andersons' tributes to their daughter now assure her a constant place in the family. On the first anniversary of Ella's birth, the Anderson family held hands at her grave and sang "Happy Birthday." Then they went out for dinner and shared a birthday cake.

When Clark first heard about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she felt a powerful urge to participate, but she never imagined that she'd find herself on the other side of the lens. Last year Clark was overjoyed to discover she was pregnant. Her first three babies were healthy. This time, Clark's fetus was diagnosed with trisomy 18, a genetic disorder so catastrophic that less than 10 percent of babies make it to their first birthday. The Clarks, devout Mormons, never considered terminating the pregnancy. Above all else, they prayed that their little boy would be born alive and that he would live for some time—hours, days, weeks, maybe even long enough to go home.

Connor Clark was born on Dec. 22 at 5:54 p.m. For just over an hour, his parents, his siblings—Ellison, 10, Sydney, 7, and Hayden, 2—his grandparents and some of his many aunts and uncles held him, talked to him, rejoiced in him. Two photographers from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep shot the sobbing and the smiles, the kisses, the hugs, the gentle cradling and the embrace between Jennifer and her husband, Spencer, when they realized they were losing their son. At 7:20 p.m., Connor took his last breath. At his funeral service two days after Christmas, the Clarks showed a powerful video compilation of black-and-white photographs set to music for their family and friends. A life deeply mourned, a life lovingly celebrated.

To learn more about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, visit their website . For additional information on stillbirth and to find support resources for families, visit the M.I.S.S. Foundation and First Candle. LINKwww.firstcandle.org And for more on research conducted by the National Institute of Child Health and Development, you can visit their site .

Today you would be 1...

2009-01-29T18:23:00.000-08:00

if you had been born on your due date. Caroline, what I wouldn't give to celebrate your first birthday with you today. I'd let you lick all the icing off your first birthday cupcake and make a great big mess! While we sure wish you were here, we rest in knowing you reside in a place better than we could ever imagine. We love you baby girl. Thank you for all you have taught us. Your little brother is blessed with a true angel watching over him.
xoxo,
Mommy

1Peter:6-7 "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith‒of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire‒may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Brooks in 3D

2009-01-28T17:21:00.001-08:00

What a cool experience this was today! (Nick called it "Sears Portrait Studio for the Unborn".) We got to see his chubby cheeks, big hands, and very big feet!

30 weeks

2009-01-22T16:42:00.000-08:00

Only 10 more weeks to go!
We had a doctor appt. today.
The baby is measuring right on track and all is well!:)
Here's hoping time flies! We can't wait for him to get here!!!!

Broken Open

2009-01-18T06:14:00.000-08:00

I know many people are not fans of Oprah, but I admit that I am. I DVR it everyday. For 2009, Oprah has started a "Living your Best Life" series. Last Wednesday, she had a guest named Elizabeth Lesser, who wrote the book called Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow. She explained that when life hands you something difficult you can either a)break down and be defeated or b) break open and be transformed.

There was also a family featured who suffered the loss of their son. His twin brother spoke about losing his brother and had an analogy that I thought was perfect. (If you don't feel like watching the whole video, the part I am talking about starts at 3:49)

Good Comebacks

2009-01-13T17:41:00.000-08:00

I got the call today from the nurse at my doctor's office and my glucose test came back "perfectly normal"! Yipeee! I am so grateful not to have one more thing to worry about!

I subscribe to Parenting.com's "Daily Kick" and today the message was so funny and I could SOOOO relate that I have to share. It was a list of comebacks for what to say to people who say "You're so HUGE!" (Which happens to me quite often)

• "Yeah, I'm actually a week late and my water could break at any minute -- stand back!"
• "I know, I gotta start cutting back on the burgers and booze."
• "I'll try to take that as a compliment."
• My personal favorite- "Yeah, but I'm going to lose 20 pounds in a day. What about you?"
• "Well, ya know, I'm growing a life. What have you done today?"

Glucose Test & A Great Doctor

2009-01-10T11:01:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I had to go for the 3 hour glucose test because I failed my first test. In other words, my levels were elevated. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this test- you show up and give a blood sample, then you drink a sugary drink called Glucola. Next, every hour for 3 more hours you give blood samples again. They check to see how your efficiently your body is breaking down the sugars. I should have the results by Monday and will repost when I do. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had to fast from midnight on and thought I would starve, but was really ok until the last 1/2 hour or so. I started feeling like I had just drank 3 glasses of wine. My mom came and kept me company and tried for the 2nd time to teach me to crochet (I stink at it) and the time actually passed quickly. So when I felt woozy at the end, Mom went and got me some Apple Juice and Saltines and that helped a lot. After leaving the doctor's office, we indulged ourselves and had lunch at PF Chang's! That helped alot too!:)

In other news, while at the office, Nick called to check in and see how I was feeling. Although I feel the baby moving often, it is still hard for him to feel him and it is frustrating for him. He suggested asking to hear the heartbeat since I was at the office anyway. I felt kind of embarassed because I didn't have an appointment and the lab where I was getting my bloodwork done is a separate section of the office, but I had a really nice nurse so I did ask her. I explained that Nick was not there with me and was feeling nervous. In addition to the fact that we just got passed the time in my pregnancy when I lost Caroline. So..she snuck me back when the doctor had a break. I think that this doctor might just be the nicest person ever. Before she came in to see me, I got my mom to come back too. After several tries, she couldn't hear the heartbeat very well. You could hear a faint swish, swish, but she wasn't happy with that. (Needless to say, neither was I!) It was scary, but common for me in this pregnancy. I think it has happened at 3 or 4 of my appointments before. She went ahead and put me in the sonogram room and quickly located the little guy. His heartbeat was 144 BPM and he was wiggling all around. We even saw an ear! (And, yes, it did seem to resemble his dad's!) She printed the following pictures for me. The first one is showing his heartrate and the second is of his face, arm, and leg. Thru tears, my mom and I thanked her for making our day.

2009-01-08T19:04:00.000-08:00

My blogger friend, Jenna, just finished this beautiful painting for me. She sent me the picture today and I am so excited with how it turned out that I had to post it. It will hang in our baby boy's room! Jenna is so talented. I told her the colors, the verse, and the name and she created this masterpiece. Check out her work here.

A New Year, A New Perspective

2009-01-03T08:45:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

As I looked back to the first post I had written in 2008 I found that I had asked for the following prayer requests.
-that God will continue to provide us with comfort and peace
-the strength to 'move on' with our lives
-the blessing of another pregnancy when the timing is right

Wow! How amazing that all of those prayers have been answered. We walked with God in faith and prayed and prayed and prayed for another baby. We tried to put our fears aside and we were blessed with another miracle.

As 2008 closes and a new year is in front of us I am thankful for how far we have come in a year. Looking forward to continued blessings and more answered prayers... and I wish that for everyone reading too!

The Best Presents

2008-12-26T19:02:00.000-08:00

Spending time with family...

...and with friends...

...and feeling the baby move! He has really started to squirm these last couple of days! Even my mom and sister- in- law felt him kicking! It has been the best present I could of asked for.

This beautiful cradle was given to us by Nick's grandparents. It was used by Nick, his, sister, and his cousins when they were babies. I can't wait to use it with our little guy!!!

Milestone

2008-12-18T16:47:00.001-08:00

I am officially PAST 25 weeks!
We made it!

All I really want for Christmas...

2008-12-16T17:35:00.001-08:00

If you haven't heard this song or seen this video... take a few quiet moments (and a few tissues) to watch and listen.

Then you can read Stephen Curtis Chapman's wife's blog here. Amazing!

Happy Sound

2008-12-03T18:10:00.000-08:00

We got to hear the baby's heartbeat today! The last 2 appointments it was difficult for the doctor to find and we ended up needing a sono to confirm. Of course that was quite anxiety inducing for me! I prayed the whole way to the appointment that I would get to hear that sweet sound and my prayer was answered! Grow baby grow!!!!
17 more weeks to go! WOOHOO!!! Can't wait to meet you!

Salt in the Wounds....

2008-12-01T19:58:00.001-08:00

It doesn't matter how long it's been... things still happen that just make you want to scream, cry, and be angry! I try so hard to remember that people don't mean to be hurtful, that everyone is so caught up in their own stuff that they forget, and some simply don't know our story. Sometimes though, I just want to wear a sign that says "Yes, I have a daughter. She is in heaven. Please don't say anything stupid, thank you very much."

First, I get an ad in the mail from Sears saying "One is Fun! Come celebrate your baby's first year with pictures!"

Then, when I went to register (yes, I finally bit the bullet and did that...) you have to fill out a registration form. Can anyone tell me why they need to have a place on there that asks "Is this your first baby?" Luckily my trusty sister-friend, Jessica, quickly checked yes for me and prevented a breakdown so I didn't have to contemplate what to do.

Then, at my parent teacher conferences, almost every single parent asked, "Is this your first?" I know that people mean well, but really, what am I supposed to say?!! I hate answering yes because it isn't my first baby, and to say that it is denies she was here. However, if you answer no then they will definitely proceed to ask, "Oh! How old is your other child?" or "Do you have a boy or girl at home?" So.. with that you have to tell the story and really most people are not equipped to hear it.

Finally, the icing on the cake.... last night my husband had his awards dinner for the JV team that he coaches. His boss, who definitely knows what happened, came up to me and asked, "Where is the kid tonight?" I must have looked like a dear in headlights when I replied with a shaky,"I am sorry, what did you say?" He then says,"The baby, where is the baby? Don't you have one at home?" "Nope" I replied as I glared at Nick thinking get this man away from me!!! Then he says,"I could have sworn you had a baby at home, but you just have the one on the way? Huh?" I wanted to deck him right then and there. I know he meant no ill will but seriously? This guy works with Nick everyday and he knows what we went through!

So there are just a few examples of a day in the life of an angel mommy.
Fun times, huh?

1/2 way there

2008-11-12T18:33:00.000-08:00

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant!
Only 20 more to go!
Feeling Blessed!

Your Cross

2008-11-07T21:36:00.000-08:00

A young man was at the end of his rope;
seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer.
"Lord, I can't go on," he said."
I have too heavy a cross to bear."
The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight,
just place your cross inside this room.
Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish."
The man was filled with relief and said,
"Thank you Lord," and he did as he was told.
Upon entering the other room, he saw many crosses,
some so large the tops were not visible.
Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall.
"I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered.
The Lord replied,"My son, that is the cross you just brought in."
When life's problems seem overwhelming,
it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with.
You may consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined.
~Author Unknown~

2008-10-31T17:08:00.001-07:00

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

It's a..........

2008-10-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

BOY!

This was the best day in a long time!!! Today we found we are having a baby boy!
Our sonogram technician was fabulous and took lots of measurements and great photos for us. I am currently measuring 18 weeks and 5 days, just a little ahead my 'real' timeline of 18 weeks and 0 days. As of today's sonogram, my due date would be 3/27 instead of 4/1. As we all know, this little guy will be coming when he is ready so I am not going to obsess over which date is really my due date. He had a heartbeat of 128BPM and was weighing in at 9 ounces!!! Thank you for your continued prayers and support!!!!

Upcoming Documentary for Broadcast in Canada

2008-10-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

Sheona McDonald recently finished a documentary film called "Capturing A Short Life".
It will broadcast on CBC Newsworld, The Lens, on December 9th, 2008 at 10pm.

Couldn't have said it better myself....

2008-10-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

My sweet, sweet friend, Emily, sent me this today. Won't you say it with me on Caroline's birthday? More later... Jess

Dear Lord,

I pray you let this day be gentle to Jessica's heart. I pray sweet Caroline be able to look down and see her parents today, on her very first birthday. Oh God, we do not understand your ways... and yet we trust them. We praise you for this beautiful baby girl and the incredible legacy she left behind. We pray you continue to use her life and her story to draw others to you. Oh Lord, be with her baby sister or brother today. Let him or her remind Jessica that hope awaits and it rests in your hand. Thank you, Lord, for Caroline Klug and all she brought to our world.

And thank you, sweet Caroline, for living your life so well and for helping to make your mommy as special as she is. We praise God for you today, Birthday Girl.

Amen.

Live For Today

2008-10-21T19:06:00.001-07:00

I have heard this song many times before but tonight it really spoke to my heart!
I loved the song "This little light of mine..." when I was little so I guess this is my grown up version.

Natalie Grant~ Live For Today

Sittin' in my room staring at the wall
Wonderin' about the meaning of it all
Why is it this thing called life
Has got me goin' crazy
So I open up your word and let it speak to me
The purpose and the plan that you've designed
Is clear to see, and I believe

I'm gonna live for today
I'm gonna follow in your way
I'm gonna let my little light shine
Like there's no tomorrow
I won't worry about the past
I know my future is intact
So I'll choose to live my life one way
I'm gonna live it for today

You told me not to worry
About what lies ahead
So I am gonna focus on today instead
Making every moment count and counting
Every single blessing
I'm gonna set my mind on the
Here and the Now
This is what I want my life to be about
And this is How...

I'm gonna live for today
I'm gonna follow in your way
I'm gonna let my little light shine
Like there's no tomorrow
I won't worry about the past
I know my future is intact
So I'll choose to live my life one way
I'm gonna live it for today

Click if you want to hear the song...

Remembrance Ceremony

2008-10-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

My mom and I attended a Remembrance Ceremony yesterday at Camp Letts in Edgewater. It was a really beautiful day and quite a touching gathering. The nurse, Ann, that I was blessed with at the hospital facilitated this special day and is truly an angel. She heads up the infant loss program at the hospital and runs a support group. While it was sad to meet so many other 'angel moms' it also was a comforting reminder that we are not in this alone. As Ann says.. although this is a club you never wanted to belong to, once you are in it, you are in it for life. It does help to meet other 'members' of the club.
Here are a few photos from the day... On the way to the ceremony I noticed this truck in front of us had a huge sticker in the upper right hand corner. It said CAROLINE! I tried to snap a picture but we were moving and mom's windshield was a little dirty;)so you cannot really see it. Of course, I had to investigate that I really did see it so here is what I found when I googled it!

As the names of our babies were read, we tossed flowers into the water.
Everyone wrote messages to their babies on these balloons and we released them.
A beautiful day...
"Forever in Our Hearts"
Forever in our hearts
You will always be,
Forever in our hearts
A living memory.
Forever in our hearts
You live eternally,
Forever in our hearts
God's place of destiny.

From the heart of Annie Owen

Scrapbooking your Loss

2008-10-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

I went to a Scrapbooking Weekend this weekend at Black Rock Resort and would highly recommend this place! It is right outside of Lancaster and very relaxing!
My new friend, Lori, shared this website with me and it really helped me with my Scrapbook for Caroline.
Click here.

Woa... Belly!

2008-10-09T13:32:00.000-07:00

15 weeks and counting.....

*Please note that I did take this picture after a BIG meal at my Auntie's house! LOL

It's October.....

2008-10-06T16:54:00.000-07:00

...and I am anxiously anticpating the day. In 2 1/2 weeks it will be October 23rd, again, the day I delivered my sweet girl, born asleep. As I look back at the past year I realize:
#1 how fast it has gone by
#2 how much of that time I have wished away

I remember those first days after we found out we had 'lost' the baby. They dragged on like years. Finding out on a Friday and not delivering until Monday made for the longest weekend of my life. I wanted to 'fill the time' with anything but tears. When I look back to the months that followed, my mind is in a sense... simply blank. What did I do with all that time? Did Christmas even happen? I think I was in auto-pilot: get up go to work, come home, go to bed, repeat. It saddens me to think that I really haven't enjoyed each day because I have been so anxious for the next one to come.

Then came the months when we were 'allowed' to try again. They seemed to tick by like an eternity as each month would result in a negative pregnancy test. I would think..."Ok, next month hurry up and get here so we can try again!" Once again... I was wishing away my days. When I finally became pregnant again I thought, "Ok this time I will enjoy every moment, each day will be a blessing, and I won't worry about a thing." HA! In reality, I am so anxious about something going wrong that I can hardly enjoy this pregnancy! The appointment count downs began.... I count down the days between each appointment and the days tick by again. As much as I try, really try, to embrace this pregnancy and savor each day... the truth is that I am so impatient for April to arrive that I literally cross the days off of every calendar.

So what is the moral to this story... I don't really know. I cannot change the fact that this is going to be a crappy couple of weeks or that I am a worrier by nature. So what can I change? Well... I need to accept and remember that none of this is in my hands. It is in His.

At our favorite breakfast place this past weekend, I spotted this quote on the wall.
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."
I guess I need to pay attention to that and be present in the present.

NKOTB

2008-10-04T09:38:00.000-07:00

So....I had the best time ever at the New Kids show. There is really nothing like a concert full of screaming 30+ year olds screaming for their teenage heart throbs that are now grown men!!!! I think everyone there felt like they were 15 again! It was so much fun and they really put on a great show!

How hilarious is this!?!!? This picture is from 1989!!! I cannot even believe we are wearing fanny packs!

I am pretty sure that Jordan winked at me during the show. LOL

TOO funny not to share

2008-09-22T18:49:00.001-07:00

Powerful Women's Motto:
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...

'Oh shit....she's awake!!'

Old Friends Make the Best Friends

2008-09-21T08:10:00.001-07:00

Now that we are all in the 30 (and up) club it makes me realize how long we have been friends, how much we have been through together, and how grateful I am for each of you!

Scrapbooking your Loss

2008-09-18T14:25:00.000-07:00

In the SHARE newsletter that I recieved this week I found a wonderful website.
Check it out here. Click on heartspoken vellum quotes. I had searched high and low for appropriate stickers/quotes for scrapbooking and couldn't find any. When I found these it was an answered prayer. It is sad that these even have to exist, but they are beautiful and so appropriate for our babies.

11wks and 6 days

2008-09-15T17:58:00.000-07:00

Our appointment today revealed that I am going to be exactly 12 weeks tomorrow according to baby's measurements. That is exactly what I thought/calculated. We could not hear the heartbeat today:( but we did see it on the sonogram along with lots of wiggly movements. It is amazing how much the baby has changed in 4 weeks. Keep praying!!!

Baby Goldman

2008-09-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

YIPPEE!!! I am so happy to report that my best friend, Kristen, just became an aunt today. Her sister, Tammy, had a little girl and her name is Mackenzie. She is cute as a button and looks very much like her mommy. Thank God for another answered prayer:)

Baby Update

2008-08-30T05:51:00.000-07:00

First let me say that everything is A-OK... and that this may me TMI for some people.

Wednesday I started noticing some bleeding and of course freaked out!
I called the doctor and was assured that this was normal and unless accompanied by any cramps that I did not need to be worried. HELLO!? Does she know what we've been through? Telling me not to worry is like telling peanut butter not to hang out with jelly. Anyways.... I did worry and when I couldn't get an appointment until next week I decided I would not be able to make it through the long weekend without being a nervous wreck.
So Nick and I went to the ER.
After 5 long hours we were given the following results:
The baby's heartbeat was 166 beats per minute.*
My HCG levels were well over 130,000.(that is good)
The baby measured 8.9 weeks (right on track).
And.. we saw arm and leg buds forming!

So... the moral of the story is better to be safe than sorry and I feel reassured knowing everything is ok. Please keep praying.

(*The old wive's tale says anything over 150 is a girl!!)

Baby Connor

2008-08-22T17:40:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Carrie just delivered her baby boy weighing in at 9 lbs 2 oz!
Keep her in your prayers!

A New Beginning

2008-08-14T16:56:00.000-07:00

As my wife takes one last relaxing trip to the beach before yet another school year begins, she wanted me to update her blog with some very exciting news....... WE ARE EXPECTING IN APRIL!! Although I'm not as good as Jessica is with this "blog thing," I'm sure she will have more insight to post when she returns. However, I'm equally elated and relieved as is Jess in finding out the news. As of Wednesday, the baby measured 4.3 centimeters and was exactly 7 weeks old. Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers, as God has heard and answered them. ~Nick

Got Faith?

2008-08-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

While searching the internet for prayers for expectant mothers, I came across this magnificent painting: The Prayer of an Expectant Mother (Dmitri Petrov, 2005)

So...tomorrow we go to the doctor's for our first visit. I am praying constantly and feeling the assurance that everything is going to be fine! Of course there is a part of me that is scared too! I will update as soon as I can after the visit, but in the meantime please keep us in prayer!

Heavenly Father, please grant this baby of Nick & Jessica's a full term of nurture,
the joy and mystery of life, and the blessing of your love.
Grant them the fulfillment of their dreams,a baby to cherish and protect, a child to teach and guide, a blessing to their family. I pray that this baby will grow well and live to praise forever Your Holy Name.
Amen.

Full Circle

2008-08-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

I got this as a gift last year for the big 30! It applies again but only for the next 45 minutes because tommorrow is my birthday... We go to the doctor on Wednesday for our first appointment. Keep us in your prayers:)

Finding Hope through Grief

2008-08-06T13:15:00.000-07:00

Take the time to watch

Butterfly World

2008-08-03T16:39:00.001-07:00

The Tea Cup

2008-07-22T14:08:00.000-07:00

This is from the same daily devotional as The Dragonfly one.
I love it!

The Tea Cup

There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in the beautiful stores. They both liked antiques and pottery and especially teacups. This was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and the shop they visited had a beautiful teacup. They said to the shop assistant, "May we see that? We've never seen one quite so beautiful." As the lady handed it over to them, the teacup spoke suddenly.

"You don't understand," it said. "I haven't always been a teacup. There was a time when I was red and I was clay. My master took me, rolled me, patted me over and over and I yelled out, 'Let me alone' but he only smiled, 'Not yet.'
"Then I was placed on a spinning wheel," the teacup said,"and suddenly I was spun around. 'Stop it! I'm getting dizzy!' I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, 'Not yet.' Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered
why he wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head, 'Not yet.'

Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. 'There, that's better', I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. 'Stop it, stop it!' I cried. He only nodded, 'Not yet.'
Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. All the time I could see him through the opening nodding his head saying, 'Not yet.'

Then I knew there wasn't any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened and he took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later he handed me a mirror and I couldn't believe it was me. 'It's beautiful. I'm beautiful.'

'I want you to remember, then,' he said, 'I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you would have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life. And if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't survive for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you.

Moral: God knows what He's doing for all of us. He is the
potter and we are His clay. He will mold us so that we may be
made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good,
pleasing, and perfect will.

Let this story remind you that God has a perfect plan for your life. He may need to place some obstacles in your life to strengthen your character, so that you may be strong in the days of greater adversity. Don't get discouraged when you feel like
the heat of the struggle is going to burn you. God knows exactly when to pull you out and deliver you from that problem and when He does you will be much wiser and stronger than you were before.

God knows your inner strength and ability to be strong even in the midst of a problem.

~Author Unknown~

http://www.mountainwings.com/past/8204.htm

The Dragonfly

2008-07-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

The Dragonfly
Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads,there lived a little water beetle in a community of waterbeetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions. Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever. Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top. When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying. So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed. Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended. But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life! ~Author Unknown~

Resilience

2008-07-12T19:57:00.000-07:00

re-sil-ient
def.- springing back; rebounding; returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, stretched.

This is a story of resilience.
During the Easter season at our church, you could purchase Easter lilies in honor or in memory of a loved one. My mother and father in-law bought one in memory of Caroline. They planted it in our flower bed after bringing it home from church. Although it lost it's blooms, it was flourishing, for a little while anyway. Being that I don't have the greenest thumb, it eventually started to die. It got brown and the leaves began to fall off. So, I yanked it out of the flower bed and tossed it aside, with intentions of later throwing it away. Now it looks like this:

In the last few weeks since I did that look what showed up in its place! Not one, not two, but THREE new plants!

I like how there are 2 bigger blossoms and 1 smaller one. It reminds me that, even if it was for only six months, we were a family of three:)
I think we, people in general, are kinda like that lily. Just when you think you are down and out, conquered, and ready to give up... you bounce back. Thank God for resilience!

Until We're Together Again

2008-07-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

Until We're Together Again
© Katherine J. Cochran (BMI)
Vocal by Tiffany Coburn
To listen to this song click here

Some believe
A star shining brightly in the heavens
Represents the love of someone they can't see
Others feel
The butterfly dancing in their garden
Is a symbol of a spirit flying free

But when a gentle breeze caresses your hair
Or you see an eagle soar in the air
Should you smile and remember me in prayer
Oh, I will be there

(chorus)
There's no need to say good-bye
One day we'll be together
Remember me and smile
I'm in your heart forever
I'll feel the love you send
Until we're together again

Close your eyes
You'll find me sailing in the sunset
Riding waves of bluest oceans ever seen
Holding hands
Of all the others here before me
My head upheld to hear the angels sing

I can do all the things I've always dreamed of
I'll be watching over you from above
Don't worry about me because
I brought along all your love

(chorus)
There's no need to say good-bye
One day we'll be together
Remember me and smile
I'm in your heart forever
I'll feel the love you send
Until we're together again

It doesn't matter where you are
My love will shine upon you from that star
Like the butterfly, now I'm free
Ascending through the sky peacefully

(final chorus)
There's no need to say good-bye
One day we'll be together
Remember me and smile
I'm in your heart forever
I'll feel the love you send
All the love you send
And you hold on to the love I send
Until we're together again

We'll be together again

Update

2008-07-05T19:03:00.001-07:00

I got to meet Amelia tonight! She is just beautiful! Her brother may get to come home tomorrow~yea!

My dear friend, Lauri, delivered twins on July 3rd! Their names are Amelia Ann & Gavin Matthew. Little Gavin will have to stay in the NICU when she is discharged with Amelia tomorrow. Please keep Gavin, and his entire family in your prayers.

Sometimes

2008-07-05T14:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I walk into the spare room (what would have been the nursery), I really can imagine baby 'stuff' being in there. Baby cries, sounds, and smells. I know it sounds crazy, but I picture what her room would have been and what she would be doing now.

Somedays (most days now that school is out)I relish in the joy of sleeping in and being lazy on the couch- watching countless episodes of my favorite shows on TLC. But then...I wish that I wasn't able to sleep in, that it would be time for a feeding or that our baby would be up from her nap and need a diaper change.

Sometimes I am envious of others and their healthy babies and I feel so guilty for it. For example, yesterday we went to the Orioles game and the couple entering in front of us had a tiny baby girl with them. The ticket lady said, "Is this her first game?" When they responded with enthusiasm that it was, the lady explained how they could obtain a special certificate for her. How I long for that day!! I couldn't help but picture Caroline with us, she would have been in her first 4th of July outfit...

Sometimes when I look at her pictures I am astonished at how much she looked like her dad. When I hold the same yellow blanket in my arms that she was wrapped up in in those pictures, I know she was real, that all of this really happened to us. But there is a part of me always thinks of what happened as a dream. All of it- the memories of the pregnancy, the day the doctor told us there was no heartbeat, the labor, and the delivery- it has a dream-like haze over it, like a flashback scene from a movie. And then, I am so quickly reminded that it was not a dream because if it was I wouldn't still have this empty hole in my heart which I long to have filled.

Luckily, it is not sometimes, but all of the time that I am grateful. Through this 'storm' I have come to know Jesus more, to allow Him to hold us in the palm of his hand. It is undeniable that our faith has been strengthened. We have been surrounded by support and love that we so desperately need and for that I know we are blessed.

8 months

2008-06-22T20:22:00.001-07:00

How is it possible for something that happened eight months ago to still hurt so bad?

The thing I am realizing is this: with each passing month from here on out, the time that she has been gone is greater than the time that she was here. Also, this time last year I was 8 weeks pregnant. I was so excited and telling everyone! These days, I am praying to be pregnant and of course for patience to understand that when the time is right it will happen.

Steel Magnolias

2008-06-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

This always has been one of my favorite movies. Tonight, I reminded myself so much of M'Lynn in the scene below. The thing of it is, grief is such a multi-faceted monster. You can think you are having a perfectly good day, week even, and then all of a sudden it sneaks up on you out of nowhere. Like tonight, we were at a party having a nice time and BAM! it just hit me.... I had the feeling in my gut that I am mad at the world and I needed to go home. (It didn't help that there were kids EVERYWHERE!) On the way home I said to Nick, "Sometimes I just get so MAD! I wish someone could feel how bad it hurts!" Watching all the parents at that party with their kids- showing them how to eat crabs, helping them into the moonbounce, or even lathering them with bug spray, it makes me so sad that I will never get to do any of those things with my Caroline. Lord, my prayer tonight is to soften my heart and give me peace and understanding of your plan that is so much bigger than this anger that I feel today.

M'Lynn: [crying] I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
[screaming]
M'Lynn: I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand!
[In a firm tone]
M'Lynn: No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna *hit* something! I wanna *hit it hard*!
[continues sobbing]
Clairee: *Here*!
[Grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn]
Clairee: *Hit this*! Go ahead M'Lynn, *slap her*!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [Taken aback and confused] Are you crazy?
Clairee: *Hit her*!
Ouiser Boudreaux: *Are you high, Clairee*?
Ouiser Boudreaux: [In a frightened tone] Clairee, have you lost your mind?
Clairee: We'll sell t-shirts sayin' "I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!" Hit her!
Annelle: [in a scared tone] Ms. Clairee, enoough!
Clairee: Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [snatches away] Let go o' me!
Clairee: M'LYNN, YOU JUST MISSED THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME! HALF O' CHIQUAPIN PARISH'LL GIVE THEIR EYE-TEETH TO TAKE A WHACK O' OUISER!

Billboards from God

2008-06-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

Click here to see more of these. They really are funny!

In Times Of Crisis, We Find One Another

2008-06-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

From Our Daily Bread, 10 Reasons to Believe in a God who Allows Suffering

"No one would choose pain and suffering. But when there is no choice, there remains some consolation. Natural disasters and times of crisis have a way of bringing us together. Hurricanes, fires, earthquakes, riots, illnesses, and accidents all have a way of bringing us to our senses. Suddenly we remember our own mortality and that people are more important than things. We remember that we do need one another and that, above all, we need God. Each time we discover God's comfort in our own suffering, our capacity to help others is increased. This is what the apostle Paul had in mind when he wrote, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God" ( 2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

Baby John

2008-06-01T17:03:00.000-07:00

We are so happy to welcome the newest addition to our family!
Nick's cousin, John, and his wife Jessica (yes there are 2 Jessica Klugs)had a baby boy on Tuesday evening, May 27th. Baby John was in the NICU for a few days being treated for an infection, but thankfully is now home with Mommy and Daddy. Please pray for continued healing (and some sleep for the new parents:)
We love you Baby John!

Update

2008-05-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

In this post I mentioned two baby girls named Reese.
Baby Reese is 2 weeks old and she is in need of a heart transplant. Her parents, Jim and Tara, need prayers for strength as they face this difficult time. Please pray that this baby will receive that gift of life. Here is a post that discusses how to do just that.

The second baby, also Reese, has been brought home to Maryland!!! Hoping to meet her soon:)

The Brown Star Story

2008-05-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

Not long ago, astronomers found in the heavens gaseous celestial bodies--clouds of cosmic dust-- which they think have finally answered the mystery of what exists between the small things in the universe, like the planets, and the bigger things, like the sun. They call this cosmic dust "brown dwarfs" or "pre-stars", because although brown dwarfs have all the elements to become stars, for some reason they never did.

All stars go on to live full lives, from their hot, bright white dwarf stage to their aged cooler and dimmer red giant sage. But "brown stars" only go so far. Instead of being born to live a normal star's life, they remain cool and dim, hiding in the heavens, sprinkled in clusters among the other stars 150 light years from Earth.

But, like our babies, their roles in the universe are very important. In fact, scientists believe they serve as a link between the small things and the big things, holding the universe together: a mid-point between the beginning and ending of our universal story.

As we grieve for our babies who died before reaching stardom of their earthly lives, perhaps we can find comfort in the possibility that they were designated for this very special universal role. Energized by our love, they are guardians of our memories of what was and our dreams of what some day may be.

As we look to the heavens, seeking answers, we send messages of love to our "brown star" babies.

~Kim Steffgan

Don't Worry

2008-05-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

Matthew 6:34 NIV
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Another version- from "The Message"
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

This was the message in church today... I needed it big time.

It reminded me of this quote:
“Worry is like a rocking chair--it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.”

Why?

2008-05-23T16:09:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get to the point where you literally throw your head back and lift your hands and say, "Why God?!, WHY!!??" That was me today. I sometimes feel like I cannot take ANYMORE bad news. First, the story of the family in my last post has been haunting me... It is such a horrible story. Then, today an awful accident on Rt. 97 involved parents of a student at Rippling Woods, the school I taught at for 8 years and the school Nick still teaches at. The victim was nine months pregnant and she and her baby both died as a result of the accident. Her surviving children are 8 and 9. AND...my uncle fell off of a ladder and had to be flown to shock trauma. He is suffering from many broken bones, including a broken pelvis. We know it could have been much worse and are grateful that it wasn't, but pray for him as he has many weeks of healing to come.
And so at a time like this, why is it that the only thing I can keep running through my head is this song:

Forever God is faithful
Forever God is strong
Forever God is with us

Coincidence? Probably not. I mean it really is STUCK in there. I even went on YouTube to watch the video to see if that would get it out, but nope... still there.

People have often said to me, regarding losing Caroline, "How do you turn to God when most people would turn away?" Granted, I do get mad, frustrated and even pissed off! BUT, I always try to remember that it could be SO much worse. Turning to God is the ONLY choice. Luckily, you CAN be mad at God and still be in a relationship with him. We are blessed because he loves us anyways...I learned that the hard way.

Prayer Request

2008-05-22T13:33:00.001-07:00

Please get on your knees and pray for this family....
Maria (on her daddy's lap in the photo above) was the youngest of their three adopted children.

Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter killed by car in driveway

By KATE HOWARD and LINDA ZETTLER
Staff Writers

Steven Curtis Chapman’s youngest child died Wednesday evening after being struck by a car driven by her teenage brother in the driveway of the family’s Williamson County home.

Maria, one of the Christian singer’s six children, was taken by LifeFlight to Vanderbilt Hospital, which confirmed the death, according to Laura McPherson, a spokeswoman for the Tennessee Highway Patrol.

The 5-year-old was hit by an SUV driven by her teenage brother, she said. Police did not give the driver’s name.

The teen was driving a Toyota Land Cruiser down the driveway of the rural home at about 5:30 p.m. and several children were playing in the area, McPherson said. He did not see Maria in the driveway before the vehicle struck her, she said.

“It appears to be a terrible accident,’’ McPherson said.

No charges are expected, she said. The accident was witnessed by two other children; the entire family was home at the time, McPherson said.

Singer/songwriter Chapman, who recently was inducted into Music City Walk of Fame, is one of contemporary Christian music’s most recognizable and most awarded names.

He and his wife Mary Beth have long been supporters of international adoption, having brought three girls from China into their family. Maria was the youngest.
The couple is so active in the cause that they formed an organization, Shaohannah’s Hope, to aid families wanting to adopt.

With his latest music tour, which came through Nashville in November, Chapman started a campaign called “Change for Orphans”. He asked audience members at each stop to bring spare change to the concert, where it was counted and given to a local family to aid in their adoption process.

“I don’t know of anybody who loves his children more than he does and is so committed to the adoption concept, and to lose one, no matter what the circumstances, is heartbreaking beyond all comprehension,” said John Styll, president of the Nashville-based Gospel Music Association.

“He talks about his kids all the time. That’s his life. His kids are more important to him than music, that’s for sure.”

The tragedy was announced during Wednesday-night services at Harpeth Hills Church of Christ, which the family attends. Maria had just graduated from the church preschool.

And word spread throughout the tight-knit Christian music community on Wednesday evening.

Styll got the news not long after Maria’s death.

“I’m confident I can speak for everyone in the community to say we will do everything we can to support this family, as we would do at any time, but especially at a time like this,” he said.

Most of the Chapman family was at Vanderbilt children’s hospital after the accident and could not be contacted. The long, gravel driveway leading to the home west of Franklin was blocked off by Williamson County sheriff’s deputies.

It's all about choice

2008-05-21T17:00:00.000-07:00

Found this poem in the blogosphere and thought it needed to be posted.

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.

Oprah had a show on OCD and one of the women suffering from it said she believed it stemmed from losing her twin sister at age 4. She said that she felt guilty for going on living when her sister couldn't. I had never thought about it like that. People always ask me questions like: How do you do it? How do you get up everyday? How do you keep on smiling? For one, it isn't me.. it is the big man upstairs who truly allows me to keep truckin' and 'get by' everyday:).... But, the bottom line is that I have no choice but to keep on living, especially because she didn't. Don't get me wrong, having your child die is a terrible and life-altering experience... really it is a nightmare. There are no words to really explain the loss and pain we have experienced. Many people, thankfully, will never know that kind of pain... but then again, many will. Everyone has their own struggles. Many people go thru MUCH worse than I have. I cannot help but compare myself with all of the other 'bloggers' that I have 'met' out there. As much as I try to be positive, it is just NOT fair. Why do we get to spend our whole life branded as the mommies of angels? I know that one day I will 'get' the grand plan.. but sometimes it just plain sucks.

You Get Me

2008-05-16T17:45:00.000-07:00

So a few posts ago I said only other moms that had been through this really 'get me' and then.... I heard this on the radio.
(pause the music player at the bottom of the screen to listen to this...)

You Get Me
by: ZOE GIRL

Wonderful is what I percieved this life would be
Pain and problem free
But over time I found reality
And through it all I see
That You're the only One who gets me

Chorus
I may be misunderstood `cause I wouldn't ever fake it
You're the only One who understands my pain
`Cause You get me
Doesn't matter what they do, what they think, what they say
At the end of the day I'm okay, anyway
`Cause Lord, You get me

No more tears
It's a silent night
You've broken down all fear
`Cause You've invaded all of me
You know me better than I know myself
The key to my security
There is no one else who gets me

Chorus

I don't care what the world may say
I hear You call me by name
And I reach for You, reach for You
There is nothing that I'd rather do
Than just worship You, Lord
I'm gonna worship You, worship You

I'm okay, I'm okay
I'm okay, I'm okay

Chorus

You understand me so completely
Now I am free, Lord, You get me

2 Prayer Requests

2008-05-11T16:49:00.001-07:00

Please pray for Baby Reese and the parents, Jim and Tara. This couple goes to our church and our pastor announced this morning that Baby Reese went into cardiac arrest after delivery yesterday. Please lift them up in prayer.

Please pray for our friends, Beth and Bill, as they flew to Florida this morning to adopt their daughter, also Reese, who was born last night. We ask for prayers that the adoption will go smoothly and they will be blessed to bring her home soon.

Misery Loves Company

2008-05-11T16:22:00.000-07:00

You know those expressions- "You don't know how a person feels until you are in their shoes." I try really hard to remember that I don't know how it feels to be the person talking to me about my loss. Really, I don't know how I would feel or what I would say if I had never been here and was talking to someone who is "in my shoes". I know that people have good intentions and while they mean well... they truly don't know how it feels unless you have been there. People say dumb things. Last week someone said to me, "So isn't there anything they can do next time to prevent that from happening again?" Hello- If it WAS preventable the last time don't ya think they would have indeed prevented it!? If I had a dime for everytime someone has said one of the following things to me/us, I would be a millionaire.
"You guys are young and you will have more kids..."
"at least you know you can get pregnant..."
"everything happens for a reason"
"you have a little angel looking down on you now..."

So on this day, Mother's Day, I believe my emotions can only be understood by those mothers who have stories that look somehow like mine. Only they really get it. So to Emily, Boothe, Hannah, Angie, Molly, Chrissy
I know that you, like me, are missing your little one on this mother's day. You are in my prayers on this day and please know that I am grateful to each of you for sharing your pain, your story, and your faith with me. Knowing someone 'gets me' in all of this, that someone shares the same emotions I have makes me feel a lot less alone, and a lot less crazy too.

Mother's Day

2008-05-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

The day isn't even here yet, and I am already feeling the anxiety of it...
My wonderful husband sensed it was coming too and already gave me the most beautiful card and gift. My mom and best friend Kristen have also acknowledged the day with sweet cards. I know I am a mother, I know I have a daughter, but what I also know is that it stinks that she is not here...

And a few more...

2008-05-05T19:06:00.001-07:00

and to think I was worried I didn't take any pics... thanks everyone who did!

More Great Pics...from a Great Day

2008-05-05T18:40:00.000-07:00

March for Babies Memories

2008-05-04T14:56:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow

2008-05-02T19:19:00.000-07:00

Oh my sweet angel baby... how I wish those little feet could walk with us tomorrow.
I know you will be watching over us. I never imagined that your little life would have such an impact on us all. People say things happen for a reason...I know losing you was all part of the grand plan, but...I hesitate to say I know 'the reason'. What I can say for certain though is- I know I was meant to help others because of what happened to us...we have raised over $8000 in YOUR memory, Caroline. I know that I would never have been involved in this effort if it wasn't for you. Tomorrow we will 'kick off' the walk as the highest fundraising family team at the walk... all for you baby girl, all for you.

This is an excerpt from the scrapbook page I made for the Memory Wall tomorrow.

Our Story:
We were married in November 2006. A little over 6 months later, we found out I was pregnant! We were surprised that it happened so quickly, but also very thrilled about God’s plan for us to become a family! I had a very easy and “normal” pregnancy. I never suffered from morning sickness and followed all of the doctor’s orders. At our 20 week sonogram, we found out we were having a baby girl. She was quite active during the sonogram. In fact, it was even difficult for the technician to snap her picture for us because of her wiggles. Her aunt, Meghan, and both of her grandmothers were there and even swore she waved to them. We never imagined that these overactive movements would later harm her. At our 23 week appointment, the doctor listened to the heartbeat and everything seemed to be fine. I am so thankful that Meghan was with me at that appointment and she was able to hear Caroline’s heartbeat, as this was the last time we would be able to. Prior to our 25 week checkup, I recognized a decrease in her movement. I called the doctor with my concerns, but I was assured that it was still too early in my pregnancy to be able to ‘kick count’ and it was likely that everything was just fine. Deep in my heart, I knew there was something wrong. At our 25 week appointment, my fears were confirmed. Our doctor was unable to detect our baby girl’s heartbeat. After a sonogram, which was also unable to detect it, we were sent on to the hospital to confirm that she indeed had died in the womb.
Caroline McKenzie Klug was still born on October 23, 2007. The doctor found that Caroline died of a cord accident. Her cord was twisted many times very close to where it was attached to her tiny body. When I first saw Caroline, I was amazed at how much she looked like her daddy. She was a beautiful, little angel baby. During the time we spent with her, we had her baptized. All four of her grandparents, her aunts and uncle got to hold her and say goodbye to her. Caroline really was so perfect, and although we would have never chosen this outcome, losing her made us love her even more than we ever imagined possible. There is no doubt in my mind that it is God who surrounded us with the many gifts of love and support we were blessed with during this loss. I am so very thankful to be able to honor the memory of our daughter today at this March for Babies.

2008-05-01T16:35:00.000-07:00

2 days until the March!!!
We have raised over $7000!!!!! Please keep us in your thoughts on Saturday. (Pray for good weather!)

Plan A vs. Plan B

2008-04-30T18:22:00.001-07:00

This is a must see, really... you must watch this.
It speaks to my heart and I am sure it will to yours.
No matter what, even if you haven't lost a child.., we have all felt disappointed before and this video really speaks to the fact that God always knows the plan even when we feel like we don't get it......

Smith Family Story from Matthew Singleton on Vimeo.

3 months

2008-04-29T19:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Caroline,
If you were born on your due date, you would be 3 months old today!
How different our lives would be! Oh, you will never know how much I love you and wish you were here.

Love,
Your Mommy

March for Babies

2008-04-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

We are almost there; our March for Babies is next Saturday, May 3rd.

We currently have raised more money than any other family team!

Facts from The March of Dimes:

Every 8 seconds a baby is born

About every 2 minutes a low birth weight (less than 5.5 lbs) baby is born

About every 4.5 minutes a baby is born with a birth defect

Every hour about 3 babies die

In an average week in Maryland 191 babies are born preterm…

What can you do in the next week to help?

In 8 seconds you can visit www.marchforbabies.org/carolineklug

In 2 minutes you can call a friend or neighbor and ask them to join our team

In 4.5 minutes you can send an e-mail encouraging someone to join us on May 3rd or sponsor our team on-line

In 1 hour you can help the March of Dimes raise awareness about this epidemic and help Maryland’s next generation be born healthy

Thank you to everyone who has supported us with this fundraiser honoring Caroline, and all babies!!!

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

2008-04-19T19:56:00.000-07:00

Written by a former child...

A message every adult should read, because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, 'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'

Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher or friend)influences the life of a child. How will you touch the life of someone today?

March for Babies

2008-04-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

Just an update:
I just checked out our page and I am totally humbled, shocked, and thrilled all at the same time!

Our total amount raised as a team is $4,771!!!! The original goal I set was $2000 and we have doubled it and then some! WOW! A HUGE thanks to everyone who has donated and decided to walk with us!!!We are going to have a great team! The walk is just 2 weeks away and I cannot wait!

There is still time to join our team and/or donate!
GO to: http://www.marchforbabies.org/495052

Remember that the money we raise helps save premature and sick babies. Before having Caroline, I was completely clueless to the fact that babies really do die everyday. Through March for Babies, the March of Dimes is funding important research to find out why premature birth happens and what can be done to prevent it.

Lessons from the boat

2008-04-14T17:27:00.000-07:00

Mark 6:45-56
45Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. 46After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray. 47When evening came, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. 48He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, 49but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, 50because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke to them and said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." 51Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, 52for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened.53When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret and anchored there. 54As soon as they got out of the boat, people recognized Jesus. 55They ran throughout that whole region and carried the sick on mats to wherever they heard he was. 56And wherever he went—into villages, towns or countryside—they placed the sick in the marketplaces. They begged him to let them touch even the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed.

Lessons from the boat
1. You must be willing to pray
2. There will be times you have to row the boat against the wind
3. Even in our storms, Jesus is near
4. There are times when you must be willing to leave the safety of your boat
5. After the storm, there will be blessing

This was the message at my friend Amy's church yesterday. So powerful and SO true.

Always with me

2008-04-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

Would you believe me if I told you all of this happened yesterday? It did!

~ I was shopping in TJ Maxx and a woman was browsing through the racks next to me. Her daugher was playing with her by hiding in the clothes. (She was really quite funny.) The mom played along and before I knew it I heard her saying,"Caroline, where are you? Uh oh, I cannot find Caroline." She then popped out of the clothes giggling at us both.

~ Then while I was at a baby shower they were playing music and ...you guessed it Sweet Caroline came on.

~ Last night I took a wrong turn and realized the street name was indeed Caroline St. I guess it wasn't really a wrong turn but instead another reminder. I have driven this road millions of times before and never even noticed the sign.

~ Finally, when I came home I watched The Memory Keeper's Daughter. I read that book last summer when I was pregnant and completely forgot until watching the movie last night-one of the main characters name is Caroline.

After all of those 'signs' I was once again reminded that she really is still right here with me.
Always.

Shout to the Lord

2008-04-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

I usually watch Idol, but missed this. Someone emailed it to me. If you missed it too take a minute to watch..Great song.

"Shout To The Lord"

My Jesus, My Savior,
Lord, there is none like You;
All of my days
I want to praise
The wonders of Your mighty love.

My comfort, my shelter,
Tower of refuge and strength;
Let every breath, all that I am
Never cease to worship You.

Shout to the Lord, all the earth,
Let us sing
Power and majesty, praise to the King;
Mountains bow down and the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands,
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand,
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You.

Shout to the Lord, all the earth,
Let us sing
Power and majesty, praise to the King;
Mountains bow down and the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands,
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand,
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You.
Nothing compares to the promise I have
Nothing compares to the promise I have in you

Emerge

2008-04-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

I have no ideas on what to sit down and write, only the feeling that I need to.
Even on the days I don't 'post' about Caroline... it is not because she isn't on my mind. It is weird how she is more on my mind now then in the days, weeks after losing her. It almost feels backwards- the farther I get from that day the more I feel like I am right back there. There is no rhyme or reason to this circle of grief. A few great days, and then all of a sudden BAM! a few really bad ones. I try to stay busy because being at home does remind me so often that she is NOT here. I think of how different our house, and life, would be with a 3 month old. It is easy to spend hours on the couch, in my pjs- like today- doing nothing. But in doing nothing, my mind is full of something. That something is the ache to have a my baby girl back. I hesitate to keep out all of the physical reminders of her that I have in this house, but at the same time I don't want to be absent of them.... It is quite a contradiction, I know.
Those who know me personally know I am quite a 'people person'. I simply enjoy being with people, meeting new people, and gathering with old friends. Since Caroline died, I have this annoying anxiety about being with groups of people. Once I get there I am always ok, but it is in the hours or moments before I am supposed to be somewhere that I dread it. I know that this is probably far from truth and even to me it sounds stupid, but I always feel like people are thinking-
"That's her- you, know the girl who lost the baby." I often wonder, are there whispers when I walk away? I hate that paranoid feeling and pray that it will go away. I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband who drags me (literally) off the couch and helps me get motivated to go out and face the world. It feels so much safer to stay right in this little cocoon of ours, but I know we must emerge...

Helping a Grieving Friend

2008-04-01T19:38:00.001-07:00

When you have a quiet few minutes, please go here to read a series written about grief.
Be sure that you scroll all the way down to start at part 1. It gives a very good behind the scenes look at what it may be like for someone who is grieving. I have found that most peole don't really like the idea of being around someone who is grieving, mainly because they don't know what to say, or to do. Even after experiencing my own grief...I still don't claim it to be an easy thing to know what to say to others.

This blog belongs to Molly Piper. Like Caroline, their daughter, Felicity, was stillborn. Unlike us, she was full-term. I hope that this series will be helpful to you or to someone you know.

And finally, an FYI: I am not posting this b/c anyone has said or done the wrong things. I am posting this because Molly puts it very well. Also, for anyone who may come across my blog and need it in the future.

My Mom is a Survivor

2008-03-30T19:15:00.000-07:00

My Mom is a survivor,or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her...or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

(By Kaye Des'Ormeaux October 15, 1998
Dedicated to the mothers who have lost a child & have somehow survived.)

Eva

2008-03-23T09:53:00.001-07:00

Please pray for the family of little Eva who went to be with Jesus this Easter morning.

http://evajanette.blogspot.com