Our new 'normal'

These past few months, when people have stopped me and asked me how I am, I am never quite sure how to respond...I mean even though these people all mean very well, or don't care and are just being polite, do they really want to know? I think not. Do they really want to know that I still cry at least once a day, that I still blare the songs "Glory Baby" and "Homesick" in my car and sing along like some kind of Christian Rock star. (Now, do not tell me that image doesn't make you smile:) Do they want to know that I am pissed that I still cannot fit into my pre-maternity clothes and eating chocolate is like a drug for me! So... when asked how I am, I usually smile and give typical responses like: "I am good, and how are you?" or "Fine, thanks." And most times, I don't really mean it. What is my alternative I ask? To divulge all the mixed up feelings inside to the lady at the Safeway checkout, the manicurist, the mailman, or the passerby in the halls at school that I barely know. Once again, I think not. I say mixed up feelings because I am ok, really we are ok. We are so blessed and we thank God for all that we have, but we are still sad and it still feels like something is missing in our lives. When I walk around the house and see the beautiful sentiments given to us (ie:plants, plaques, etc.) I am reminded of just how many people reached out to us in our grief. But now... once every one is back to normal, it is hard. It feels like everyone has moved on and in a sense has 'forgotten'. Meanwhile we still think about Caroline every day- countless times. I know that the reality is that people are in a lose-lose situation because if they say nothing to me about it then I am offended. How could they not bring her up?! But on the other hand, if they do bring it up and then say the wrong thing then I am upset too. So my question is, how can we go back to "normal" and feel like it is really ok to move on when it is so much easier to crawl back in the bed and stay under the covers and cry? The only answer I have which I come to each and every time is His presence. I have faith that there are many good things to come for us- the sunshine after the rain.


I found this on another blog and it really encompasses my feelings.
"If I'm crying, don't have me committed... If I'm laughing, don't think I've forgotten." Believe me...we still cry, but those days are fewer than the days that we laugh. Please continue to pray for us as we search for our new "normal".

A picture really is worth a thousand words

This is a picture was taken just prior to my dear friend Kelly's wedding...this was about 3 weeks before Caroline was born. It is a reminder that she was very much alive and gave us so much happiness in her 25 weeks.



sweet feet

My Butterfly

Butterflies are everywhere I tell you. It is like that little angel of ours keeps saying, "Hey, Mom! I am still here... always... I am right here in your heart! Remember and think of me!"

At school today, I noticed one of my students had great big, flowery butterfly patches all over her jeans. When I got home, my butterfly flag had blown away from in front of the house and I had to go find it and secure it to it's post. Then, I was skimming the Pier One Catalog that arrived in the mail today and again- butterfly sconces. I know I am probably making these into coincidences, but I tell you I see them EVERYWHERE. I have probably been to my doctor's office 1000 times, but the last time I was there I noticed, yup, you guessed it - butterflies. They were on the wall paper in the bathroom of all places. It all started the weekend after I delivered Caroline, (well really it started in the hospital- read my first posts.) I was walking up my stairs, passing by my Willow Tree Angel collection. I did a double take because the "Angel of Freedom", which was the first angel I ever got from my dear friend, Cathy, holds a butterfly in her hands. It was gone! It had fallen off once before, but I had hot glued it on! I stopped and thought, hmmm now that is ironic.

Then, I searched HIGH and LOW for a butterfly stamp I have had for years. I wanted to make thank you cards for all those who had been so kind to us during our loss. Again, it was (and still is) missing! As I sit here typing, I look up to see a beautiful butterfly that was also given to me by Cathy. It says, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away." That was the quote I chose to be printed on our wedding programs and although I loved it then, I never knew how true it would become for us. Although my little Caroline didn't get to draw a single breath, she did live inside of me for 25 weeks and when we saw her, she certainly took our breath away. Next time you see a butterfly flying by (or on a kid's pair of jeans:) think of her and remember the quote at the top of my blog."A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belong to our world. But then it flies on again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."
Here is one butterfly that isn't going anywhere!

I love this poem and had to share it here.
Message of Hope
A whispered wish of remembrance
Silent words of loss
A song of good bye
An unspoken prayer for lasting peace
A message of hope
Rejoice for the spirit that has passed.
Release the sorrow and the sadness.
Rebuild a life again.
Emerging from your cocoon so gently placed
Sensing the freedom in the waiting sky
Wings open and quickly a flight
A drift in the air
dancing with the wind
Aglow in the sunlight.
The message of hope
Touching the spirit
Teaching to begin anew
Transforming the wish into hope
on the radiant wing of a butterfly.
~Kristy Dyer

funny

These are two emails that I recieved today, and although they have nothing to do with Caroline, they were both so hilarious that I had to post. I hope they make you laugh as loud as I did. It feels good to be able to laugh!
On the first one, be sure to scroll all the way to the bottom.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let
you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck
when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately, it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so
please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart and when I turned into the
driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead
of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent, but fortunately, the pickup
came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality
you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for
you, my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX



P.S. Your girlfriend called.



(if this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor)

The other night I was invited out for a night out with the 'girls'. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted-solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos - MIDNIGHT.)


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT' He didn't seem unduly concerned with me. Whew, I got away with that one I thought! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit'. Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

What we don't choose

I have been home from work all week healing from my surgery and have had an opportunity to watch a lot of TV and movies. (I really cannot believe how much trash is on tv these days, but anyway...) I watched a really good movie the other day- Gone Baby Gone. I highly recommend it. It is directed by Ben Affleck and stars his brother Casey. In the opening scene, the main character says that it is the things that we do not choose that make us who we are. I felt that was such a powerful statement. In the movie he relates it to family, neighborhood, and the city in which you live. I, naturally, related it to this latest season in our life. We never would have chosen to lose a child, but it has shaped who we are forever.

Most of you who know me well know what I am about to dislose too. Those of you who don't know me so well and are meeting me via this blog, well, this may be considered oversharing, but I don't care.

In reference to those things that we do not choose... I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was 19 or 20. Growing up I was a 'well-adjusted', happy kid, but when I went away to college I became very, very depressed. It is most common for major life events both good and bad to trigger an episode of bipolar disorder. For me, going away to college was such an event. In the fall of 1996, I had to drop out of school completely, seek treatment, and get well. For many years following this low point in my life, and after many therapists and medications, I was what you would call 'stable'. I graduated from college in 4 1/2 years (1/2 extra because of the one semester I missed;) and went on to get a teaching job. I even had a boyfriend and apartment. Sounds like life was good, right? Wrong! In 2001 I crashed. I had what was considered to a 'episode of acute mania'. I mean there were days that I was in a complete dark hole. And then.. there were the days and days where I did not sleep a wink, eat a morsel, and was really for lack of a better word- crazy. Looking back, I really sometimes cannot believe that that was me and comparing it to me know that I am so much 'better'. I was so sick and some days I really didn't think I would survive. Thank God, I had a wonderful doctor and family who pulled me through that terrible time.

At that time I would have never guessed that I would be grateful for going through all of that. I mean it was really awful and I was really sick. But now, in a sense I feel it was a blessing to have experienced it. As the movie quote said, the things we do not choose make us who we are. Experiencing the depths of a depression allowed me to see the power in my own strength and resilience. One of my mom's favorite sayings (which I now love) is "A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.- Eleanor Roosevelt" When we found out we had lost Caroline, I thought I was not strong enough to handle such loss. I truly did not think I would be ok. And look at me now- I AM!! I really think because God put me through those 'peaks and valleys' throughout my life and because of His sufficient grace that we are given such strength when we least expect it. It is often hard to embrace the situations that life gives us- those things that we do not choose. I have learned that everything you encounter does happen for a reason. Although we may not understand it at the time we must believe and remember that we may somehow be grateful for it later.

Thought this was worth sharing...

Ever look at these words...HEALTHY HEART?

LOOK AT IT AGAIN.

HEAL-THY-HEART!

If we heal our hearts from past wounds and insults, forget about "Getting Even," and don't hold grudges, we will have a healthy heart.

on the mend

Just wanted to let everyone reading know that I am home safe and sound.
My surgery went well and I hope to be healing quickly.

Say a Little Prayer for Me

Tomorrow I have to go to for gall bladder surgery. It is outpatient and should be an easy recovery, but if you would- say a little prayer for me.
I am more nervous about going to the hospital where I last saw by baby girl then actually having the surgery. I am sure all will go just fine. Keep you posted..

Here Comes the Sun

Today it is 65 degrees outside, but it feels like about 70. On this February day, the weather is not characteristic of the typical winter weather in Maryland. And so I must assume that the whispers in the wind, the rays of sunshine, and the big puffy white clouds that fill the air are a gift from above. Days like today remind me not to be sad and to rejoice in God's gifts. Our cat basks in the sun as he sits on the window sill and Nick is outside raking leaves. Today is a pleasant reminder that there are indeed sunny days ahead.

In Good Times and In Bad...

Today Nick and I returned to the tattoo parlor so he could get his 'ink'. (If I forgot to mention it, I got a tattoo of a butterfly along with Caroline's initials on Jan. 23rd.) As I sat there watching Nick get Caroline's footprints permanently placed on his wrist, I realized (again) how lucky I am to call him my husband and my best friend. I was reminded of this part of our wedding vows and had to recall them by watching our video: "You are my best friend and I love you. I promise to love you in good times in bad, when life seems easy and when it seems hard, when our love is simple and when it is an effort." Wow, who knew how true those vows would become when we said them? Life has been hard, it has been an effort, but I can honestly say we are better for it. Our marriage is stronger because of it and so is our faith. I am not the same person today that I was in that wedding video, and neither is Nick. We will be forever changed because we shared her moments. NO one could have convinced me a year ago that my husband and I would have gone to church and attended the Pancake Supper tonight! We have been to church almost;) every week since we found out about our loss. I can truly say that God has used Caroline and her short, but sweet life to teach us some big lessons. If given the chance would I have chosen to bear this pain to learn them? Well, of course not, but because we have made it through this we are grateful for everything in life, especially for eachother, more than we ever would have been without her.

Phillipians 4:11-13
I am not telling you this because I need anything. I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have and with everything that happens. I know how to live when I am poor, and I know how to live when I have plenty. I have learned the secret of being happy at any time in everything that happens, when I have enough to eat and when I go hungry, when I have more than I need and when I do not have enough. I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength.