Heaven is the Face

This song speaks so dearly to my heart.... Stephen Curtis Chapman is such a gifted writer. What a blessing this song is to me. If you have not yet heard it, you really must.


Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”

Chorus:

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.
So right now...

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.

Bridge:

But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there’s no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there’s no more enemy (no more).

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.

So long, farewell....

I have been contemplating what to do with this blog ever since Brooks was born. I really wanted to share his birth with everyone I had met while writing. Once I did that I realized a few things: #1 I had no time to write, #2 I don't have much to say any more, and #3 I don't like using the same venue to celebrate his life that I used to mourn hers. I started writing to express my grief during my time of loss and that time is over. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I am over Caroline's death... or that I'll ever be... it's just that I feel like I don't need this outlet any more. I am grateful for all the people I met through writing and hope some of my words were helpful to others in my same situation. I know that I needed this during that season in my life and now that season has passed. I will always miss her, be changed because of her, and remember the lessons I learned from losing her, but it is time to move on.

If you would like to follow our life in pictures, feel free to visit us here.

Laughter

Brooks has been laughing outloud in his sleep since right after he was born. Really, he chuckles and his belly shakes like someone told him the best joke ever. However, he has yet to laugh outloud when he is awake. We put this Jumper together about 3 weeks ago and have been trying to put Brooks in it since then. Everytime we tried his feet couldn't quite touch. We tried tonight and he LOVED it!!! We caught his giggles on camera.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Brooks' baptism

Click here to view these pictures larger

Happy Daddy

It was a great Father's Day! We went to church and then to "Gramps'" house for crabs. Since I cannot keep up with the blog as much as I would like to, I am posting pictures here.

Baby Blessings

First I must apologize for becoming a total slacker at blogging. I keep meaning to write and then... a week has passed and I forget.

Many of my very dear friends have had babies these last months. Shelley, who I have known since elementary school, had her baby boy, Ethan 17 days before Brooks. Cathy had her baby girl, Grace, on May 1st. And yesterday, my dear friend Kelly had a baby girl, Lyla. It is an undescribable feeling to know the same friend you went to Toga parties with, shared your first apartment with, and road-tripped all the way to Key West with will now be on the journey of motherhood with you too. It just makes me so happy to know that we will be able to watch our kids grow up together!!! Thank you Lord for these blessings, these beautiful babies!

We're Back!!!

Remember this post??
Well they are back and this time there are FOUR!!! Pretty cool, huh?!

Great Song

This is such a beautiful song, by Alan Jackson. It makes me think of Caroline every time I hear it on the radio.


Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

Smile, it's Mother's Day!!

What a difference...

a year can make. Today we participated in March for Babies (in the pouring down rain). Last year we walked in memory of our daughter and with hope for another baby.

Today, of course her memory was on our hearts as it always is, but we were also able to walk to celebrate the answered prayer that is our son.

Thank you everyone who joined us today and supported this mission.

Brooks' First Time at the Beach

Before I Was a Mom

My best friend, Lindsay, sent me this today.

Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt!
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment,
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom ....

It hardly seems real that he is really here. I never knew you could love someone so much! He is such a good baby and we are so blessed and grateful.

Here are a few pictures of his first week:)

He's Here!!!

Wow! What a day.. we are feeling blessed! Brooks Michael is finally here. He weighed in at 8 lbs 3 oz and is 20.8 inches long. He was born at 4:08 PM today, just in time for the O's Opening Day! Will post more later.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I am going to the hospital Sunday evening for my induction.
Will update when he gets here:)

Update

At my doctor's appointment today I still had not progressed. The doctor was extremely kind and compassionate. She understood my heightened anxiety due to my history and agreed to schedule my induction. I hope to have the time/ date tomorrow. At the earliest it will be Friday, but could be early next week too. Will update as soon as I know:)

The Waiting Game....

So last Friday was my last day of work. So my week has consisted of a lunch date with mom, dinner with friends, a hair appointment, grocery shopping and making some returns. I have stocked the house with literally every comfort food you can think of (think ding dongs and fritos:) and worn in all my comfiest sweats. I have also watched every baby show that there is on the TV. At my appointment yesterday, I was still 1 cm. I expressed my increasing anxieties to the doctor and although she was sympathetic she was also quite candid and realistic about what is likely to happen. Due to the lack of progress and the fact that I have not had any contractions it looks like the waiting game will continue. While you never know what could happen from day to day the doctor said it is likey I will be induced if things do not progress on their own. Oh, and they don't like to induce before 42 weeks! Ugh! That would mean sitting here for 3 more weeks. So 5 more days until my due date and my next appointment. At that time we will see how things are going and if nothing has changed an induction date will be set. I left there with tears in my eyes and a Rx for Zoloft in hand. Nick put it perfectly... Gone are the days that hearing the heartbeat is "good enough". So why am I so disappointed when knowing he is healthy and not 'due' yet should be enough to ease my mind? For me it is the fact that we are soooo close but yet it seems so far away. The hours and days tick by like an eternity. Until I hold that boy in my arms it is still very surreal that this is actually going to happen and that everything is going to be ok this time. God grant me patience...and get this boy to come soon!!!

Progress!!

I had my 38 week appointment today. I am one centimeter dilated. Tomorrow is my last day of work and then it's all a waiting game from here on out! Will keep you posted!!!

An article featuring.... me:)

An article from the March of Dimes Maryland-National Capital
Area Chapter's Newsletter
The Power to Help Save Babies is at Your Fingertips

NICU doctors and nurses have tools at their fingertips to help save babies. So do you. The Online Fundraising Tool (OFT) allows walkers to raise hundreds to thousands of dollars—all from their desktop or laptop computer. Jessica Klug of Baltimore, Md., used OFT in 2008 and she raised $1,724. “I think the [OFT] Web site looks great,” she told Jennifer Tarr, community director in the Central Maryland Division office in Baltimore. “That is how I did all of my fundraising last year—online.”

Jessica served as team captain for her first-year family team, Team Angel Baby, which raised $9,832. The team raised more than 60 percent of its funds online.

Team Angel Baby was one of the top teams in the March of Dimes Maryland-National Capital Area Chapter. Jessica shared a few secrets of her success so this year’s walkers and teams could raise much-needed funds and help more babies:

1. “I placed March for Babies widgets and badges on my blog and Facebook page.”
The March of Dimes has developed badges, widgets and banners to help you show your support of March for Babies. These items can be used in your e-mails and on your blog, Facebook page or MySpace page to help promote the event and your fundraising efforts. Even the official March for Babies logo is available for use on your Web site, in personal and company newsletters or on a team T-shirt to help you promote March for Babies. To download these items, please visit http://www.marchforbabies.org/spread_the_word.aspx.

“Jessica did a great job in utilizing the social networking tools provided by the March of Dimes to recruit walkers and inform her team about the walk and the important mission of the March of Dimes,” said Tarr.

2. “I walked in memory of my daughter, who was stillborn in October 2007.”
Jessica told her supporters she was walking in memory of her daughter. Your personal and team OFT pages have space for pictures and text to explain why you’re walking. Perhaps you’re also walking in memory of a child, or to celebrate the birth of a child—one born healthy or too soon. Tell your supporters why you’re walking and that they’re welcome to join you or form their own team.

3. “I had a huge outpouring of support from my family and friends.”
Jessica raised all of her money online. Her donors gave anywhere from $20 to $100. And thanks to OFT, she could reach donors who lived across the street or across the country. Her friends saw her fundraising badge when they read her e-mails and her Facebook and blog visitors saw her March for Babies widgets. The badges and widgets allowed friends and family to donate online effortlessly and immediately. The average walker who uses OFT raises more than double the amount of a walker who doesn’t use OFT.

If you’re part of a family or corporate team, your team captain will thank you for using OFT. Team captains whose members use OFT have less cash and checks to submit on Bank Day or Walk Day, can track all of their walkers and amounts raised, and can communicate easily with walkers about upcoming activities, special promotions and your team’s fundraising goal.

Please visit http://www.marchforbabies.org to register for March for Babies and utilize the OFT to meet your fundraising goals and help more babies.

Prayer Request

Dear Lord,
I am growing quite anxious to meet this little one. I know 4 more weeks doesn't seem so long, but each day seems to be dragging on like an eternity. Please help me to be patient as I wait for this miracle to arrive.

Amen