It's all about choice

Found this poem in the blogosphere and thought it needed to be posted.

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.


Oprah had a show on OCD and one of the women suffering from it said she believed it stemmed from losing her twin sister at age 4. She said that she felt guilty for going on living when her sister couldn't. I had never thought about it like that. People always ask me questions like: How do you do it? How do you get up everyday? How do you keep on smiling? For one, it isn't me.. it is the big man upstairs who truly allows me to keep truckin' and 'get by' everyday:).... But, the bottom line is that I have no choice but to keep on living, especially because she didn't. Don't get me wrong, having your child die is a terrible and life-altering experience... really it is a nightmare. There are no words to really explain the loss and pain we have experienced. Many people, thankfully, will never know that kind of pain... but then again, many will. Everyone has their own struggles. Many people go thru MUCH worse than I have. I cannot help but compare myself with all of the other 'bloggers' that I have 'met' out there. As much as I try to be positive, it is just NOT fair. Why do we get to spend our whole life branded as the mommies of angels? I know that one day I will 'get' the grand plan.. but sometimes it just plain sucks.

You Get Me

So a few posts ago I said only other moms that had been through this really 'get me' and then.... I heard this on the radio.
(pause the music player at the bottom of the screen to listen to this...)

You Get Me
by: ZOE GIRL



Wonderful is what I percieved this life would be
Pain and problem free
But over time I found reality
And through it all I see
That You're the only One who gets me

Chorus
I may be misunderstood `cause I wouldn't ever fake it
You're the only One who understands my pain
`Cause You get me
Doesn't matter what they do, what they think, what they say
At the end of the day I'm okay, anyway
`Cause Lord, You get me

No more tears
It's a silent night
You've broken down all fear
`Cause You've invaded all of me
You know me better than I know myself
The key to my security
There is no one else who gets me

Chorus

I don't care what the world may say
I hear You call me by name
And I reach for You, reach for You
There is nothing that I'd rather do
Than just worship You, Lord
I'm gonna worship You, worship You

I'm okay, I'm okay
I'm okay, I'm okay

Chorus

You understand me so completely
Now I am free, Lord, You get me

2 Prayer Requests

Please pray for Baby Reese and the parents, Jim and Tara. This couple goes to our church and our pastor announced this morning that Baby Reese went into cardiac arrest after delivery yesterday. Please lift them up in prayer.

Please pray for our friends, Beth and Bill, as they flew to Florida this morning to adopt their daughter, also Reese, who was born last night. We ask for prayers that the adoption will go smoothly and they will be blessed to bring her home soon.

Misery Loves Company

You know those expressions- "You don't know how a person feels until you are in their shoes." I try really hard to remember that I don't know how it feels to be the person talking to me about my loss. Really, I don't know how I would feel or what I would say if I had never been here and was talking to someone who is "in my shoes". I know that people have good intentions and while they mean well... they truly don't know how it feels unless you have been there. People say dumb things. Last week someone said to me, "So isn't there anything they can do next time to prevent that from happening again?" Hello- If it WAS preventable the last time don't ya think they would have indeed prevented it!? If I had a dime for everytime someone has said one of the following things to me/us, I would be a millionaire.
"You guys are young and you will have more kids..."
"at least you know you can get pregnant..."
"everything happens for a reason"
"you have a little angel looking down on you now..."

So on this day, Mother's Day, I believe my emotions can only be understood by those mothers who have stories that look somehow like mine. Only they really get it. So to Emily, Boothe, Hannah, Angie, Molly, Chrissy
I know that you, like me, are missing your little one on this mother's day. You are in my prayers on this day and please know that I am grateful to each of you for sharing your pain, your story, and your faith with me. Knowing someone 'gets me' in all of this, that someone shares the same emotions I have makes me feel a lot less alone, and a lot less crazy too.

Mother's Day

The day isn't even here yet, and I am already feeling the anxiety of it...
My wonderful husband sensed it was coming too and already gave me the most beautiful card and gift. My mom and best friend Kristen have also acknowledged the day with sweet cards. I know I am a mother, I know I have a daughter, but what I also know is that it stinks that she is not here...

And a few more...

and to think I was worried I didn't take any pics... thanks everyone who did!

More Great Pics...from a Great Day

March for Babies Memories

Tomorrow

Oh my sweet angel baby... how I wish those little feet could walk with us tomorrow.
I know you will be watching over us. I never imagined that your little life would have such an impact on us all. People say things happen for a reason...I know losing you was all part of the grand plan, but...I hesitate to say I know 'the reason'. What I can say for certain though is- I know I was meant to help others because of what happened to us...we have raised over $8000 in YOUR memory, Caroline. I know that I would never have been involved in this effort if it wasn't for you. Tomorrow we will 'kick off' the walk as the highest fundraising family team at the walk... all for you baby girl, all for you.


This is an excerpt from the scrapbook page I made for the Memory Wall tomorrow.



Our Story:
We were married in November 2006. A little over 6 months later, we found out I was pregnant! We were surprised that it happened so quickly, but also very thrilled about God’s plan for us to become a family! I had a very easy and “normal” pregnancy. I never suffered from morning sickness and followed all of the doctor’s orders. At our 20 week sonogram, we found out we were having a baby girl. She was quite active during the sonogram. In fact, it was even difficult for the technician to snap her picture for us because of her wiggles. Her aunt, Meghan, and both of her grandmothers were there and even swore she waved to them. We never imagined that these overactive movements would later harm her. At our 23 week appointment, the doctor listened to the heartbeat and everything seemed to be fine. I am so thankful that Meghan was with me at that appointment and she was able to hear Caroline’s heartbeat, as this was the last time we would be able to. Prior to our 25 week checkup, I recognized a decrease in her movement. I called the doctor with my concerns, but I was assured that it was still too early in my pregnancy to be able to ‘kick count’ and it was likely that everything was just fine. Deep in my heart, I knew there was something wrong. At our 25 week appointment, my fears were confirmed. Our doctor was unable to detect our baby girl’s heartbeat. After a sonogram, which was also unable to detect it, we were sent on to the hospital to confirm that she indeed had died in the womb.
Caroline McKenzie Klug was still born on October 23, 2007. The doctor found that Caroline died of a cord accident. Her cord was twisted many times very close to where it was attached to her tiny body. When I first saw Caroline, I was amazed at how much she looked like her daddy. She was a beautiful, little angel baby. During the time we spent with her, we had her baptized. All four of her grandparents, her aunts and uncle got to hold her and say goodbye to her. Caroline really was so perfect, and although we would have never chosen this outcome, losing her made us love her even more than we ever imagined possible. There is no doubt in my mind that it is God who surrounded us with the many gifts of love and support we were blessed with during this loss. I am so very thankful to be able to honor the memory of our daughter today at this March for Babies.

2 days until the March!!!
We have raised over $7000!!!!! Please keep us in your thoughts on Saturday. (Pray for good weather!)