Well, one year ago we were filled with joy, excitement, and anticipation for "the big day". I was running around all week getting ‘ready’. I had my hair and nails done, got my massage, had the bridesmaid luncheon, and then we had the rehearsal at the church and dinner at Hella’s. I remember that I stayed up very late the night before the wedding with Jessica, Kelly, and mom drinking wine… we giggled and acted so silly taking pictures of one another in my mother’s wedding dress. I was so happy. I couldn’t wait to get to that church and get married!
I loved Nick so very much then and couldn’t imagine my heart being fuller than it was that day.
Our wedding and reception was perfect and so much fun. Who would have ever dreamed what would happen next- a baby!? We had only been married 6 months when we found out we were pregnant. (I still think people thought we were nuts.) I vividly remember the date we found out- May 20th. My graduation from grad school was the day before and I was not myself. I felt so grouchy and irritable that whole weekend (which I am sure Nick would attest to). We had just gotten in the door from getting groceries and I had to use the bathroom. I figured “Oh, what the heck?” I had already bought the tests so I thought I would just ‘double check’ to be sure I wasn’t pregant, but when it said I was, well, my eyes just welled with tears. Please know this was not because I was sad, but because I was shocked! We had just started ‘trying’ and I couldn’t believe it. They were the kind of tears that come involuntarily- they just poured out of my eyes- I couldn’t stand the excitement. I opened the door to show Nick that test and he really didn’t believe I was serious. I sent him to the store and that night we took 2 more tests and of course they both were positive!
Words can never describe how much I loved being pregnant and knowing that little life was growing inside of me. I remember the night we found out she was a girl- Nick was just as excited as I was even though I knew he really was hoping for a boy.
What happened next was nothing we could have ever planned for. Hearing that our baby girl had died was the worst possible news we could have ever received and news we never expected. I feel like a piece of me died with her, but through all of this tragedy I truly believe it caused our love for her to be even greater. I want everyone who reads this to know that the man that my husband has proven to be through all of this made me fall in love with him all over again. He was so wonderful and supportive that I really felt grateful and proud to call him my husband.
I know that I said that on our wedding day I couldn’t imagine my heart ever being fuller than it was that day. But now it is so very full, full of love for:
- our daughter, Caroline
- my husband, Nick
- and for all those who have prayed for us and have been here to help us handle this tragedy. (Please do keep them coming!)
We have come through the greatest struggle we could have never dreamed of being put through and we have come through it together with our faith and love as a couple being even stronger in the end. Although today is not filled with the same type of joy and excitement that we had last year as we prepared for our marriage… I will say that the anticipation is quite similar. I am anxious for the day that we do have another baby. I anticipate all that the future holds for us and know that we have many many years of happy memories to come.
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