Sunday, March 30, 2008

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her...or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...and show her that you care.
For no matter what she matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

(By Kaye Des'Ormeaux October 15, 1998
Dedicated to the mothers who have lost a child & have somehow survived.)

Sunday, March 23, 2008


Please pray for the family of little Eva who went to be with Jesus this Easter morning.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

You did that for me

As Easter approaches, I wanted to share the song below. I LOVE Sara Groves and believe she is a wonderful song writer. Her lyrics are quite therapeutic! I have had such a great couple of days, really. Being a teacher does have its perks, like a 5 day break for Easter! During my break I have: treated myself to a mani & pedi, shopped, gone to a movie with some of my students and favorite kiddos, visited with my oldest pal, Lindsay, gone to a rockin' concert with Kristen, cooked, cleaned and I still have TWO more days of break! Gone are the days of moping around, staying on the couch, and crying all day. Am I still sad, sure, but it really is getting easier and I never thought it would. Thank you GOD for healing, for the promise of our future, for everything.

Sara Groves: You Did That For Me lyrics
To listen to this song, on the title above on music player at the bottom of the screen.
I don't have to cry anymore
I don't have to worry about what's in store
I've walked that road exhausted and poor
I don't have to cry anymore
And I don't have to know it all
I don't have to be so proud and stand so tall
I climbed that mountain only to fall
I don't have to know it all
You did that for me
Oh, you did that for me
You wore the chains so I could be free
Yeah, yeah
You did that for me
And I don't have to be ashamed
Hang my head or shoulder the blame
Wondering if my life's been in vain
I don't have to be ashamed
Oh, you did that for me
Oh, you did that for me
You wore the chains so I could be free
Yeah, yeah
You did that for me
Man of sorrows
Well acquainted with grief
Drug down to the city dump
Spread eagle on a cross beam
Propped up like a scarecrow
Nailed like a thief
There for all the world to see
You wore the chains so I could be free
Yeah, yeah
Oh Lord, you did that for me
Oh Lord, you did that for me, You wore the chains so I could be free

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


We are all creatures of this great earth- interconnected in ways beyond understanding.
Take elephants.
So big.
So strong.
And yet, when a member of the herd passes, even elephants mourn.
They gather around,
extend their trunks,
and gently touch the tusks of their fallen friend.
It's their ritual.
It's how they heal.
And it's sad.
And it's beautiful.
So maybe what we're trying to say
is that the world doesn't expect you to be fine with this.
Be how you need to be. Mourn how you need to mourn.

These words are from a card that my best friend, Kristen, gave me after Caroline's death. It was so beautiful and the words were so perfect. For some reason I thought of this card today and dug it out. I wanted to share it. I also wanted to know if this is really true. This is what I found:

"One of the most natural emotions humans feel is grieving. This process is usually brought on with the death of a loved one. As humans, we have a natural arrogance to believe that we are the only ones capable of complex thought, as well as the whole gamut of emotional experiences. However, research and observation has proven that elephants are indeed capable of many complex functions of thought and feeling. There have been many observations of elephants grieving. In Joyce Poole's Coming of Age with Elephants, a situation is described where a mother elephant is seen grieving over her stillborn baby for a few days. This mother's physical stature was observed as slumped, appeared to be crying, while trying to revive her baby. This mother elephant was seen to be in denial which is a common reaction with humans confronting death. Finally, after some time had elapsed, the mother finally succumbed to the reality that she no longer had a live baby. She had to move on.

"As I watched Tonie´s vigil over her dead newborn, I got my first very strong feeling that elephants grieve. I will never forget the expression on her face, her eyes, her mouth, the way she carried her ears, her head, and her body. Every part of her spelled grief" (Joyce Poole P.90)

The plain truth is that elephants have a deep need to remember and mourn lost ones. This can even be observed many years since the death of a loved one. Without prior knowledge of an in-depth longitudinal study our observations would be meaningless. But, as observed by Joyce Poole, when an elephant walks past a place that a loved one died he/she will stop dead still; a silent and empty pause that can last several minutes. An elephant pause. I wonder if, like us, they relive experiences shared with the loved when they visit their place of death or resting spot. This is not that implausible given their need to investigate and touch the bones of a dead fellow elephant."

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Our new 'normal'

These past few months, when people have stopped me and asked me how I am, I am never quite sure how to respond...I mean even though these people all mean very well, or don't care and are just being polite, do they really want to know? I think not. Do they really want to know that I still cry at least once a day, that I still blare the songs "Glory Baby" and "Homesick" in my car and sing along like some kind of Christian Rock star. (Now, do not tell me that image doesn't make you smile:) Do they want to know that I am pissed that I still cannot fit into my pre-maternity clothes and eating chocolate is like a drug for me! So... when asked how I am, I usually smile and give typical responses like: "I am good, and how are you?" or "Fine, thanks." And most times, I don't really mean it. What is my alternative I ask? To divulge all the mixed up feelings inside to the lady at the Safeway checkout, the manicurist, the mailman, or the passerby in the halls at school that I barely know. Once again, I think not. I say mixed up feelings because I am ok, really we are ok. We are so blessed and we thank God for all that we have, but we are still sad and it still feels like something is missing in our lives. When I walk around the house and see the beautiful sentiments given to us (ie:plants, plaques, etc.) I am reminded of just how many people reached out to us in our grief. But now... once every one is back to normal, it is hard. It feels like everyone has moved on and in a sense has 'forgotten'. Meanwhile we still think about Caroline every day- countless times. I know that the reality is that people are in a lose-lose situation because if they say nothing to me about it then I am offended. How could they not bring her up?! But on the other hand, if they do bring it up and then say the wrong thing then I am upset too. So my question is, how can we go back to "normal" and feel like it is really ok to move on when it is so much easier to crawl back in the bed and stay under the covers and cry? The only answer I have which I come to each and every time is His presence. I have faith that there are many good things to come for us- the sunshine after the rain.

I found this on another blog and it really encompasses my feelings.
"If I'm crying, don't have me committed... If I'm laughing, don't think I've forgotten." Believe me...we still cry, but those days are fewer than the days that we laugh. Please continue to pray for us as we search for our new "normal".

Monday, March 10, 2008

A picture really is worth a thousand words

This is a picture was taken just prior to my dear friend Kelly's wedding...this was about 3 weeks before Caroline was born. It is a reminder that she was very much alive and gave us so much happiness in her 25 weeks.

sweet feet

Thursday, March 6, 2008

My Butterfly

Butterflies are everywhere I tell you. It is like that little angel of ours keeps saying, "Hey, Mom! I am still here... always... I am right here in your heart! Remember and think of me!"

At school today, I noticed one of my students had great big, flowery butterfly patches all over her jeans. When I got home, my butterfly flag had blown away from in front of the house and I had to go find it and secure it to it's post. Then, I was skimming the Pier One Catalog that arrived in the mail today and again- butterfly sconces. I know I am probably making these into coincidences, but I tell you I see them EVERYWHERE. I have probably been to my doctor's office 1000 times, but the last time I was there I noticed, yup, you guessed it - butterflies. They were on the wall paper in the bathroom of all places. It all started the weekend after I delivered Caroline, (well really it started in the hospital- read my first posts.) I was walking up my stairs, passing by my Willow Tree Angel collection. I did a double take because the "Angel of Freedom", which was the first angel I ever got from my dear friend, Cathy, holds a butterfly in her hands. It was gone! It had fallen off once before, but I had hot glued it on! I stopped and thought, hmmm now that is ironic.

Then, I searched HIGH and LOW for a butterfly stamp I have had for years. I wanted to make thank you cards for all those who had been so kind to us during our loss. Again, it was (and still is) missing! As I sit here typing, I look up to see a beautiful butterfly that was also given to me by Cathy. It says, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away." That was the quote I chose to be printed on our wedding programs and although I loved it then, I never knew how true it would become for us. Although my little Caroline didn't get to draw a single breath, she did live inside of me for 25 weeks and when we saw her, she certainly took our breath away. Next time you see a butterfly flying by (or on a kid's pair of jeans:) think of her and remember the quote at the top of my blog."A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belong to our world. But then it flies on again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."
Here is one butterfly that isn't going anywhere!

I love this poem and had to share it here.
Message of Hope
A whispered wish of remembrance
Silent words of loss
A song of good bye
An unspoken prayer for lasting peace
A message of hope
Rejoice for the spirit that has passed.
Release the sorrow and the sadness.
Rebuild a life again.
Emerging from your cocoon so gently placed
Sensing the freedom in the waiting sky
Wings open and quickly a flight
A drift in the air
dancing with the wind
Aglow in the sunlight.
The message of hope
Touching the spirit
Teaching to begin anew
Transforming the wish into hope
on the radiant wing of a butterfly.
~Kristy Dyer

Wednesday, March 5, 2008


These are two emails that I recieved today, and although they have nothing to do with Caroline, they were both so hilarious that I had to post. I hope they make you laugh as loud as I did. It feels good to be able to laugh!
On the first one, be sure to scroll all the way to the bottom.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let
you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck
when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately, it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so
please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart and when I turned into the
driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead
of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent, but fortunately, the pickup
came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality
you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for
you, my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

(if this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor)

The other night I was invited out for a night out with the 'girls'. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted-solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos - MIDNIGHT.)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT' He didn't seem unduly concerned with me. Whew, I got away with that one I thought! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit'. Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."