These past few months, when people have stopped me and asked me how I am, I am never quite sure how to respond...I mean even though these people all mean very well, or don't care and are just being polite, do they really want to know? I think not. Do they really want to know that I still cry at least once a day, that I still blare the songs "Glory Baby" and "Homesick" in my car and sing along like some kind of Christian Rock star. (Now, do not tell me that image doesn't make you smile:) Do they want to know that I am pissed that I still cannot fit into my pre-maternity clothes and eating chocolate is like a drug for me! So... when asked how I am, I usually smile and give typical responses like: "I am good, and how are you?" or "Fine, thanks." And most times, I don't really mean it. What is my alternative I ask? To divulge all the mixed up feelings inside to the lady at the Safeway checkout, the manicurist, the mailman, or the passerby in the halls at school that I barely know. Once again, I think not. I say mixed up feelings because I am ok, really we are ok. We are so blessed and we thank God for all that we have, but we are still sad and it still feels like something is missing in our lives. When I walk around the house and see the beautiful sentiments given to us (ie:plants, plaques, etc.) I am reminded of just how many people reached out to us in our grief. But now... once every one is back to normal, it is hard. It feels like everyone has moved on and in a sense has 'forgotten'. Meanwhile we still think about Caroline every day- countless times. I know that the reality is that people are in a lose-lose situation because if they say nothing to me about it then I am offended. How could they not bring her up?! But on the other hand, if they do bring it up and then say the wrong thing then I am upset too. So my question is, how can we go back to "normal" and feel like it is really ok to move on when it is so much easier to crawl back in the bed and stay under the covers and cry? The only answer I have which I come to each and every time is His presence. I have faith that there are many good things to come for us- the sunshine after the rain.
I found this on another blog and it really encompasses my feelings.
"If I'm crying, don't have me committed... If I'm laughing, don't think I've forgotten." Believe me...we still cry, but those days are fewer than the days that we laugh. Please continue to pray for us as we search for our new "normal".