Sunday, December 30, 2007


Lately I have been frustrated that so many of my friends don't say Caroline's name, actually many don't say anything about her at all. I know there is fear of saying the wrong thing, so unfortunately many people say nothing at all about what happened.

I just recieved this email from a dear friend that reminded me that even though people may not be talking about it to me, they are still thinking of us and praying for us.

Days when the sun shines bright, how grand we hold a special friend, good to share with each other, for the friendship road has no end. Then the days become long and weary, many is touched with grief and fear, then the friendship becomes much stronger and we pray for each other and show how we care!
The burdens get much lighter while friends are lifting us up in prayer.
They tell God to hold our hand, for special friends always understand. Our world would not be very happy and the days would be long and dreary without the special bond of friendship that we all hold so dear. I talk to God for you each day. May you feel loved in every way!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

The Circle Analogy

"The circle analogy"
Draw a circle. This circle is your life.
Draw a slightly smaller circle inside of the first circle.
It's okay if the edges touch in some places. This circle is your grief.

Now you can see that your grief almost totally fills your life.
There isn't room for anything else. Your life and your grief are one.

Now draw another circle the same size as your grief circle.
This circle is still your grief.
Draw a larger circle around it. This is your life in the future.
Your grief is still there, still the same size, but now there is space around it for other aspects of your life. As time goes on, the circle of your life grows and includes many other things, but your grief remains. It doesn't
go away. It doesn't get smaller. But now there is room for other things and you are not always focused on the grief. You can laugh at a joke, go to a party, get a new job, maybe have living children, but your circle of grief is still there.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Jesus, Bring the Rain

I am so glad that our faith is not based on how we feel about God, but on who He really is. Believe me... there are days I don't feel like I want to believe, really there are days I just don't feel much at all.

I have never thought of myself as a very religious person. I mean, I grew up going to church and certainly believed in God, but I guess I never thought of myself as having a very strong faith.

I can now say that during this difficult time my faith has certainly been strengthened. That is not to say that it hasn't been questioned too, it has, but more importantly I feel that when everything else was stripped away, when I was in the depths of my pain, I was given a chance to analyze what really matters and for me the only choice I can continue to find is to draw closer to HIM. The song below expresses those thoughts better than I ever could.

Bring The Rain
by: Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Sunday, December 23, 2007

2 months

So today marks 2 months since we said hello and goodbye to our sweet Caroline. No one could have ever prepared me for this and honestly if I could have known it would happen I am not sure I would have know how to 'prepare'. All I know (and I don't know much) is that I don't want to be angry anymore. I want so much to be grateful that I got to have any time with her at all. Even though she was inside of me, I still feel like I got to 'know' her, more than anyone else.

It sometimes feels like this all is a dream. I wonder when the day will come that I won't wake up with that jolt, that feeling that she is really gone, that I am really not pregnant anymore. I know one day it will start to hurt a little less, but for now I cover that broken heart of mine up with a smile and just keep breathing.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


So many things I wish I could put into words, but cannot right now... so instead I share lyrics.

Angels in Heaven by Higher Faith<

It happened so fast everything was a blur
And everyone came by and said how sorry they were.

I knew that they meant well
So I tried to force a smile
And they said I should be thankful that I had him for a while

But now all my friends and my family have gone home.
I am just left here sitting with my memories all alone

I've always heard that God does everything right
I just wish My Angels weren’t in Heaven tonight

I know there are some things beyond our control
And some things only God can decide
That won’t stop this hurting that I feel in my soul
I just wish my angels weren’t in Heaven tonight

Oh I know there are some things beyond our control
Some things only God can decide.
Oh But that won’t stop this hurting that I feel in my soul
I just wish my Angels weren’t in Heaven tonight

God won’t you please Kiss my Angel Good Night

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Shopping Trip

I can really relate to this poem so I thought that I would share it.
I used to love shopping, but lately it is such a chore!!!
The Shopping Trip by:Linda Vicory
As I persue the aisles,of the local store,
I see things more differently,than I ever have before.
"Daddy's Little Angel",the embroidered bibs do read.
But, Daddy's angel is in Heaven,and bibs she does not need.
She does not need a bottle,a dress or a toy.
Of buying those things for her,we shall never know the joy.
There are tiny jars of baby food,that she will never eat,
And shiny shoes with buckles,that will never touch her feet.
As the bikes and trikes taunt me,from high up on the rack,
Tears will break free from my eyes,if I dare look back.
I run off to the restroom,to blow my nose and cry.
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard,and let out a sigh.
I must go face the paper,college and wide rule,
That my little angel,will never use in school.
I hurry past the greeting cards,that the people chose with care,
And I am reminded,of the holidays we shall not share.
In the checkout line I bow my head,and heavy is my heart,
For the family right in front of me,has a newborn in their cart.
Shopping in the local store,used to be mundane.
Now every aisle's full of items,which remind me of my pain.
So, quick as I can, I give the cashier,the money from my purse,
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain,
in this foreign happy universe.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

No Guarantees

We are so programmed in this life to think many things are certain. I have also come to find that this is a 'quick fix' society. For example, You want a new car? Sure.. you can buy one (might not be able to afford it, but.. they sure will give you a loan). You have a headache? No problem, take a pill (and there are quite a few out there!) Clothes don't fit? Oh, just buy new ones (God knows I do!) My pattern of thinking here is that many, many times, without thinking twice, with certainty in fact, we said, "We're having a baby girl!" or "My due date is January 29th." When really in truth, we found out that life is so uncertain and there was no 'quick fix'. We did have our baby but not on our due date... instead she was 14 weeks early and born silent and still, an angel. We wanted answers and luckily there were some, but there was no 'fixing' to be found. It is a blessing that we could actually see what caused Caroline to die, don't get me wrong.. I am grateful for that. And, yes it was reassuring to know that there was nothing genetically 'wrong' with her and to know what happened would be very unlikely to happen again. All of that does provide some comfort. I guess what I mean is for so many months you count down to a date that you believe is going to mean one thing- a healthy and beautiful baby. It turns out that there are no guarantees that is the case. I think what saddens me most is that I am not alone on this journey. If you google "babies born still" there are 658,000 results. It shocks me to the core that this happens so often and NO ONE talks about it! After my experience many people have shared with me that it happened to them too, but I don't think that they would have ever told me had we not had the common bond. For all our lost babies, I think it is important that we talk about it, remember them, and treasure whatever time we did have. As we live each day we have to remember that here are indeed no guarantees- treasure each moment.