Thursday, January 24, 2008

Just around the corner...


Dearest Caroline,
Tuesday, January 29th is right around the corner. The anticipation of this day is heavy on my mind, for this was supposed to be the day that you were born. Instead, you were still born 3 months and 6 days earlier. I could never have imagined that today I would be missing you instead of waiting for your arrival. Instead of packing a bag to go to the hospital, installing the car seat, and picking out your coming home outfit, I am preparing for your memorial service.

Sometimes it seems as though this just can't be real, I mean did this actually happen?! I said all of this to your daddy the other day (that you are supposed to be here in a few days) and do you know what he said? “She was already here. She already came and went. We had our time... to hold her and see her.” It is so hard to believe that you have already come and gone, that your daddy is right.....and I need to truly accept that this is the way it was supposed to be, that there are no mistakes.

I know that the real reason I write this is for me- to get out all that ‘stuff’ rolling around in my head and hopefully it help others to understand where I am coming from, but my heart hopes that maybe, just maybe, these messages get to you too.

I am so grateful that you came into my life, even if it was for a short time... I will always love you and miss you, and you will always be my first baby, my sweet Caroline. Sometimes I feel selfish missing you so much and wanting you ‘back’ so badly because I do believe you are in a place much better than we can imagine. I just wish I could have held you a little longer, loved you a little more. It is so hard to keep my self focused on the fact that I will see you again and when we do it will be like no time has passed at all.

In the meantime... all my love,
Your Mommy

4 comments:

Carrie said...

I have been thinking about your upcoming "due date" also... will Caroline's memorial service be public or just for family?

Love,
Carrie

Steph said...

I have been thinking abut you a lot these days know that January 29th is just a few days away. You and Nick are very lucky to have each other...it seems like he can be your rock when you are feeling weak. Thanks so much for being so honest and open. It is difficult to put yourself out there like this. Always know that I am thinking about you way down here in Texas...everyday.

Emily said...

This image blesses my heart. Praying for you today and thanking God for Caroline.

Joy said...

What a beautiful message to your beloved daughter. David and I are praying for you both during this time. It is amazing for me to see how much strength God has given you.