Saturday, June 14, 2008

Steel Magnolias

This always has been one of my favorite movies. Tonight, I reminded myself so much of M'Lynn in the scene below. The thing of it is, grief is such a multi-faceted monster. You can think you are having a perfectly good day, week even, and then all of a sudden it sneaks up on you out of nowhere. Like tonight, we were at a party having a nice time and BAM! it just hit me.... I had the feeling in my gut that I am mad at the world and I needed to go home. (It didn't help that there were kids EVERYWHERE!) On the way home I said to Nick, "Sometimes I just get so MAD! I wish someone could feel how bad it hurts!" Watching all the parents at that party with their kids- showing them how to eat crabs, helping them into the moonbounce, or even lathering them with bug spray, it makes me so sad that I will never get to do any of those things with my Caroline. Lord, my prayer tonight is to soften my heart and give me peace and understanding of your plan that is so much bigger than this anger that I feel today.

M'Lynn: [crying] I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
M'Lynn: I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand!
[In a firm tone]
M'Lynn: No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna *hit* something! I wanna *hit it hard*!
[continues sobbing]
Clairee: *Here*!
[Grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn]
Clairee: *Hit this*! Go ahead M'Lynn, *slap her*!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [Taken aback and confused] Are you crazy?
Clairee: *Hit her*!
Ouiser Boudreaux: *Are you high, Clairee*?
Ouiser Boudreaux: [In a frightened tone] Clairee, have you lost your mind?
Clairee: We'll sell t-shirts sayin' "I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!" Hit her!
Annelle: [in a scared tone] Ms. Clairee, enoough!
Clairee: Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [snatches away] Let go o' me!


bookworm said...

Oh, Jessica...I know all about the anger--and all about having to confront and deal with it at unexpected times.
Praying for you!

Stephanie said...

I understand about being angry (for different reasons than you) and wanting others to know how much it hurts. You want people to see what is really happening inside of you and wonder how they can all be so normal. I remember being so jealous of everyone else's 'normal' and thinking "Can't you all just see how PISSED OFF I am????" I remember seeing people being carefree and having fun and I would be so jealous of them.
You will never feel the way you did before your baby girl Caroline left and that hurts too. You wish you didn't have to feel like this.
I know I still don't feel like I fit in with many people and when they say things like "UGH..I had the worst day" or make a big deal out of the teeniest thing, I still wanna smack them in the head...hee hee. I know that you have better days ahead. You are a positive light and you trust God. (((BIG HUGS))).

Emily said...

Ain't that the truth??