Sometimes when I walk into the spare room (what would have been the nursery), I really can imagine baby 'stuff' being in there. Baby cries, sounds, and smells. I know it sounds crazy, but I picture what her room would have been and what she would be doing now.
Somedays (most days now that school is out)I relish in the joy of sleeping in and being lazy on the couch- watching countless episodes of my favorite shows on TLC. But then...I wish that I wasn't able to sleep in, that it would be time for a feeding or that our baby would be up from her nap and need a diaper change.
Sometimes I am envious of others and their healthy babies and I feel so guilty for it. For example, yesterday we went to the Orioles game and the couple entering in front of us had a tiny baby girl with them. The ticket lady said, "Is this her first game?" When they responded with enthusiasm that it was, the lady explained how they could obtain a special certificate for her. How I long for that day!! I couldn't help but picture Caroline with us, she would have been in her first 4th of July outfit...
Sometimes when I look at her pictures I am astonished at how much she looked like her dad. When I hold the same yellow blanket in my arms that she was wrapped up in in those pictures, I know she was real, that all of this really happened to us. But there is a part of me always thinks of what happened as a dream. All of it- the memories of the pregnancy, the day the doctor told us there was no heartbeat, the labor, and the delivery- it has a dream-like haze over it, like a flashback scene from a movie. And then, I am so quickly reminded that it was not a dream because if it was I wouldn't still have this empty hole in my heart which I long to have filled.
Luckily, it is not sometimes, but all of the time that I am grateful. Through this 'storm' I have come to know Jesus more, to allow Him to hold us in the palm of his hand. It is undeniable that our faith has been strengthened. We have been surrounded by support and love that we so desperately need and for that I know we are blessed.