Monday, October 6, 2008

It's October.....

...and I am anxiously anticpating the day. In 2 1/2 weeks it will be October 23rd, again, the day I delivered my sweet girl, born asleep. As I look back at the past year I realize:
#1 how fast it has gone by
#2 how much of that time I have wished away

I remember those first days after we found out we had 'lost' the baby. They dragged on like years. Finding out on a Friday and not delivering until Monday made for the longest weekend of my life. I wanted to 'fill the time' with anything but tears. When I look back to the months that followed, my mind is in a sense... simply blank. What did I do with all that time? Did Christmas even happen? I think I was in auto-pilot: get up go to work, come home, go to bed, repeat. It saddens me to think that I really haven't enjoyed each day because I have been so anxious for the next one to come.

Then came the months when we were 'allowed' to try again. They seemed to tick by like an eternity as each month would result in a negative pregnancy test. I would think..."Ok, next month hurry up and get here so we can try again!" Once again... I was wishing away my days. When I finally became pregnant again I thought, "Ok this time I will enjoy every moment, each day will be a blessing, and I won't worry about a thing." HA! In reality, I am so anxious about something going wrong that I can hardly enjoy this pregnancy! The appointment count downs began.... I count down the days between each appointment and the days tick by again. As much as I try, really try, to embrace this pregnancy and savor each day... the truth is that I am so impatient for April to arrive that I literally cross the days off of every calendar.

So what is the moral to this story... I don't really know. I cannot change the fact that this is going to be a crappy couple of weeks or that I am a worrier by nature. So what can I change? Well... I need to accept and remember that none of this is in my hands. It is in His.

At our favorite breakfast place this past weekend, I spotted this quote on the wall.
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."
I guess I need to pay attention to that and be present in the present.


Amy said...

I can't stop worrying either. I wanted to be that happy pregnant lady who savors every moment, but so far, I'm still just that nervous lady who worries she won't be pregnant too much longer. Thank you for the reminder that it isn't in my hands and that He has a plan.

Carrie said...

well put... you know what you need to do, now you just need to remind yourself to do it. you are such a strong person, jessica.

hey - when you are down and out, just put on your new kids cds and remember that i'll be lovin' you!

omg - i am so corny!

Emily said...

I've been thinking the same thing. Part of what makes it so hard to believe it's been 15 months, I think, is because I've spent so much of it, as you said, on auto-pilot. I don't remember much at all, as it was mostly an effort to just make it through. I'm trying to slow down, but I would honestly be thrilled if I woke up and it was February or something already! Wonder if that's why I sleep so much....

I'm praying for you.