...and I am anxiously anticpating the day. In 2 1/2 weeks it will be October 23rd, again, the day I delivered my sweet girl, born asleep. As I look back at the past year I realize:
#1 how fast it has gone by
#2 how much of that time I have wished away
I remember those first days after we found out we had 'lost' the baby. They dragged on like years. Finding out on a Friday and not delivering until Monday made for the longest weekend of my life. I wanted to 'fill the time' with anything but tears. When I look back to the months that followed, my mind is in a sense... simply blank. What did I do with all that time? Did Christmas even happen? I think I was in auto-pilot: get up go to work, come home, go to bed, repeat. It saddens me to think that I really haven't enjoyed each day because I have been so anxious for the next one to come.
Then came the months when we were 'allowed' to try again. They seemed to tick by like an eternity as each month would result in a negative pregnancy test. I would think..."Ok, next month hurry up and get here so we can try again!" Once again... I was wishing away my days. When I finally became pregnant again I thought, "Ok this time I will enjoy every moment, each day will be a blessing, and I won't worry about a thing." HA! In reality, I am so anxious about something going wrong that I can hardly enjoy this pregnancy! The appointment count downs began.... I count down the days between each appointment and the days tick by again. As much as I try, really try, to embrace this pregnancy and savor each day... the truth is that I am so impatient for April to arrive that I literally cross the days off of every calendar.
So what is the moral to this story... I don't really know. I cannot change the fact that this is going to be a crappy couple of weeks or that I am a worrier by nature. So what can I change? Well... I need to accept and remember that none of this is in my hands. It is in His.
At our favorite breakfast place this past weekend, I spotted this quote on the wall.
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."
I guess I need to pay attention to that and be present in the present.