Sunday, January 13, 2008


I think time is a funny thing. People have said it takes time to heal, to grieve your loss. One card I got said, "You must use the 3 T's: time, tears, and talk." Sometimes I cannot believe that it has been almost 3 months since Caroline died. And that time frame is so weird because some days it feels like it just happened, and other times it feels like I have been going through this for 3 years, not 3 months. I hate the fact that I am counting the weeks since she has been gone when I should be counting the weeks until she will arrive. I should be 37 weeks pregnant right now! Anyway...I will get absolutely no where with that mindset.
So onto another thought about time...usually you need a good amount of time to get to know someone. Even though I do believe in first impressions, I also think after time your opinion of someone may change, your friendship often strengthened. You usually don't really know someone until you have spent a lot of time with them.
And so it goes with my baby girl... that I didn't have a lot of time with how do I feel like I completely knew her? Someone who was with me for such a little bit of time is such a huge part of who I now am.

I think the simple answer is found in Psalm 139 v 1-16. I am reading a book called Empty Arms (uplifting title, I know) and there is an entire chapter dedicated to the hope and comfort the Bible offers women like me.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be
In this passage, we are told that amidst our pain and sorrow, there is understanding. Caroline was a very real person and when viewing the verses in relation to our loss of her, it is comforting. God was fully aware of my baby girl while she was being formed (v 13) and He was there during her life and death (v 8-10).

1 comment:

Emily said...

I rest in these verses, too. And I struggle with feeling like I was the only one to truly know my girl, too. But you know, what an honor to be the only one to share such knowledge with no one but God outside of Heaven?! Caroline was very real and you know her well, you loved her well, and you honor her life well now. Thank you for letting us catching tiny glimpses of your beautiful piece of Heaven through your writing and honesty.