I have no ideas on what to sit down and write, only the feeling that I need to.
Even on the days I don't 'post' about Caroline... it is not because she isn't on my mind. It is weird how she is more on my mind now then in the days, weeks after losing her. It almost feels backwards- the farther I get from that day the more I feel like I am right back there. There is no rhyme or reason to this circle of grief. A few great days, and then all of a sudden BAM! a few really bad ones. I try to stay busy because being at home does remind me so often that she is NOT here. I think of how different our house, and life, would be with a 3 month old. It is easy to spend hours on the couch, in my pjs- like today- doing nothing. But in doing nothing, my mind is full of something. That something is the ache to have a my baby girl back. I hesitate to keep out all of the physical reminders of her that I have in this house, but at the same time I don't want to be absent of them.... It is quite a contradiction, I know.
Those who know me personally know I am quite a 'people person'. I simply enjoy being with people, meeting new people, and gathering with old friends. Since Caroline died, I have this annoying anxiety about being with groups of people. Once I get there I am always ok, but it is in the hours or moments before I am supposed to be somewhere that I dread it. I know that this is probably far from truth and even to me it sounds stupid, but I always feel like people are thinking-
"That's her- you, know the girl who lost the baby." I often wonder, are there whispers when I walk away? I hate that paranoid feeling and pray that it will go away. I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband who drags me (literally) off the couch and helps me get motivated to go out and face the world. It feels so much safer to stay right in this little cocoon of ours, but I know we must emerge...