Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Milestones

I haven't posted lately, I guess I am at a loss for words. After my last post, and all that Nick said, I am not sure I can top that ;)...

So...I dreaded Christmas, really, I didn't want to decorate or celebrate at all. I put up my nativity scene and the manger made by my grandfather and that was it. But then Nick dragged out all of the boxes and once the house was finally wrapped in the spirit I was glad. Christmas came and went and I was so glad to finally meet 2008 thinking we would have a new 'fresh' start.
Next came my due date and I was dreading it, really I was... I was absolutely sick about it. It all seemed surreal- I was planning to have a baby that day but she had already come and gone...
I was going to take the day off work, but then decided not to. I figured it would be best to go in and 'take my mind off of it'. About half way through the morning routine as my students were unpacking, one of my little girls said, "Mrs. Klug, can I change the date for you?" I probably had subconsciouly chose not to write January 29th on the chalkboard and was so glad she did it for me. So that day, like Christmas, came and went. Was it hard? yes of course, but as you know from the last posts, we had a memorial service on January 27th, 2 days before my due date, and that helped me a lot. It gave me a sense of peace and comfort. I felt that we finally recognized and celebrated Caroline's life publicly with our friends and family.
I keep thinking,"Ok,I got past that, now what?" and then I realized the other day when buying a baby gift for a friend as the fluffy, pastel dresses caught my eye... that Easter, too, will be hard. There will be no first Easter dress or bonnet to wear to church. There won't be a basket filled to the brim or the trip to the mall to take her picture with the bunny. I guess what I am coming to terms with is the fact that no matter how many days pass, no matter which 'milestones' I conquer, the reminder that she is not here is a constant for me and it will be for a while.

On another note...
I am sick right now, I mean really sick... I have the worst sinus headache I have ever had and have gone through 2 entire boxes of tissues in addition to some Zicam, Tylenol Cold and Sinus, and Mucinex- YUCK! I haven't left the house since Thursday. If I were Nick, I would have probably left town by now because I am a bad patient. I mean it, I have been a real jerk. Today I lost it, I mean I really lost it. My sweet hubby put me in the car and took me to Nightime Pediatrics and the first appointment available was at 8 PM, and it was 1! So I just caved- I cried my eyes out. Was I crying because I didn't feel good, sure, but more because I am just so tired! I feel like I just can't catch a break lately! Today is the Super Bowl and people everywhere are at parties, celebrating the great game and here I sit in my pjs sick as a dog feeling sorry for myself! As mom says, this too shall pass. They say God only gives you what you can handle, but I can't handle much more. I think the more appropriate phrase is "God helps you handle what you are given". I will be fine... tomorrow will be a new day, but for now I just had to vent.

3 comments:

Steph said...

I don't know if I have given you this quote before, but it has gotten me through a lot of days. I think it suits you just right:
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow."

Love you!

Melissa said...

Missy said...

I think of you and pray for you often. You inspire me when I am having a tough day! Much love!! mis

shannon said...

wow every time i read your blog i truly get inspired. i think of you and your family often. i hope you get better (sick wise).