Just wanted to let everyone reading know that I am home safe and sound.
My surgery went well and I hope to be healing quickly.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Say a Little Prayer for Me
Tomorrow I have to go to for gall bladder surgery. It is outpatient and should be an easy recovery, but if you would- say a little prayer for me.
I am more nervous about going to the hospital where I last saw by baby girl then actually having the surgery. I am sure all will go just fine. Keep you posted..
I am more nervous about going to the hospital where I last saw by baby girl then actually having the surgery. I am sure all will go just fine. Keep you posted..
Monday, February 18, 2008
Here Comes the Sun
Today it is 65 degrees outside, but it feels like about 70. On this February day, the weather is not characteristic of the typical winter weather in Maryland. And so I must assume that the whispers in the wind, the rays of sunshine, and the big puffy white clouds that fill the air are a gift from above. Days like today remind me not to be sad and to rejoice in God's gifts. Our cat basks in the sun as he sits on the window sill and Nick is outside raking leaves. Today is a pleasant reminder that there are indeed sunny days ahead.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
In Good Times and In Bad...
Today Nick and I returned to the tattoo parlor so he could get his 'ink'. (If I forgot to mention it, I got a tattoo of a butterfly along with Caroline's initials on Jan. 23rd.) As I sat there watching Nick get Caroline's footprints permanently placed on his wrist, I realized (again) how lucky I am to call him my husband and my best friend. I was reminded of this part of our wedding vows and had to recall them by watching our video: "You are my best friend and I love you. I promise to love you in good times in bad, when life seems easy and when it seems hard, when our love is simple and when it is an effort." Wow, who knew how true those vows would become when we said them? Life has been hard, it has been an effort, but I can honestly say we are better for it. Our marriage is stronger because of it and so is our faith. I am not the same person today that I was in that wedding video, and neither is Nick. We will be forever changed because we shared her moments. NO one could have convinced me a year ago that my husband and I would have gone to church and attended the Pancake Supper tonight! We have been to church almost;) every week since we found out about our loss. I can truly say that God has used Caroline and her short, but sweet life to teach us some big lessons. If given the chance would I have chosen to bear this pain to learn them? Well, of course not, but because we have made it through this we are grateful for everything in life, especially for eachother, more than we ever would have been without her.
Phillipians 4:11-13
I am not telling you this because I need anything. I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have and with everything that happens. I know how to live when I am poor, and I know how to live when I have plenty. I have learned the secret of being happy at any time in everything that happens, when I have enough to eat and when I go hungry, when I have more than I need and when I do not have enough. I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Milestones
I haven't posted lately, I guess I am at a loss for words. After my last post, and all that Nick said, I am not sure I can top that ;)...
So...I dreaded Christmas, really, I didn't want to decorate or celebrate at all. I put up my nativity scene and the manger made by my grandfather and that was it. But then Nick dragged out all of the boxes and once the house was finally wrapped in the spirit I was glad. Christmas came and went and I was so glad to finally meet 2008 thinking we would have a new 'fresh' start.
Next came my due date and I was dreading it, really I was... I was absolutely sick about it. It all seemed surreal- I was planning to have a baby that day but she had already come and gone...
I was going to take the day off work, but then decided not to. I figured it would be best to go in and 'take my mind off of it'. About half way through the morning routine as my students were unpacking, one of my little girls said, "Mrs. Klug, can I change the date for you?" I probably had subconsciouly chose not to write January 29th on the chalkboard and was so glad she did it for me. So that day, like Christmas, came and went. Was it hard? yes of course, but as you know from the last posts, we had a memorial service on January 27th, 2 days before my due date, and that helped me a lot. It gave me a sense of peace and comfort. I felt that we finally recognized and celebrated Caroline's life publicly with our friends and family.
I keep thinking,"Ok,I got past that, now what?" and then I realized the other day when buying a baby gift for a friend as the fluffy, pastel dresses caught my eye... that Easter, too, will be hard. There will be no first Easter dress or bonnet to wear to church. There won't be a basket filled to the brim or the trip to the mall to take her picture with the bunny. I guess what I am coming to terms with is the fact that no matter how many days pass, no matter which 'milestones' I conquer, the reminder that she is not here is a constant for me and it will be for a while.
On another note...
I am sick right now, I mean really sick... I have the worst sinus headache I have ever had and have gone through 2 entire boxes of tissues in addition to some Zicam, Tylenol Cold and Sinus, and Mucinex- YUCK! I haven't left the house since Thursday. If I were Nick, I would have probably left town by now because I am a bad patient. I mean it, I have been a real jerk. Today I lost it, I mean I really lost it. My sweet hubby put me in the car and took me to Nightime Pediatrics and the first appointment available was at 8 PM, and it was 1! So I just caved- I cried my eyes out. Was I crying because I didn't feel good, sure, but more because I am just so tired! I feel like I just can't catch a break lately! Today is the Super Bowl and people everywhere are at parties, celebrating the great game and here I sit in my pjs sick as a dog feeling sorry for myself! As mom says, this too shall pass. They say God only gives you what you can handle, but I can't handle much more. I think the more appropriate phrase is "God helps you handle what you are given". I will be fine... tomorrow will be a new day, but for now I just had to vent.
So...I dreaded Christmas, really, I didn't want to decorate or celebrate at all. I put up my nativity scene and the manger made by my grandfather and that was it. But then Nick dragged out all of the boxes and once the house was finally wrapped in the spirit I was glad. Christmas came and went and I was so glad to finally meet 2008 thinking we would have a new 'fresh' start.
Next came my due date and I was dreading it, really I was... I was absolutely sick about it. It all seemed surreal- I was planning to have a baby that day but she had already come and gone...
I was going to take the day off work, but then decided not to. I figured it would be best to go in and 'take my mind off of it'. About half way through the morning routine as my students were unpacking, one of my little girls said, "Mrs. Klug, can I change the date for you?" I probably had subconsciouly chose not to write January 29th on the chalkboard and was so glad she did it for me. So that day, like Christmas, came and went. Was it hard? yes of course, but as you know from the last posts, we had a memorial service on January 27th, 2 days before my due date, and that helped me a lot. It gave me a sense of peace and comfort. I felt that we finally recognized and celebrated Caroline's life publicly with our friends and family.
I keep thinking,"Ok,I got past that, now what?" and then I realized the other day when buying a baby gift for a friend as the fluffy, pastel dresses caught my eye... that Easter, too, will be hard. There will be no first Easter dress or bonnet to wear to church. There won't be a basket filled to the brim or the trip to the mall to take her picture with the bunny. I guess what I am coming to terms with is the fact that no matter how many days pass, no matter which 'milestones' I conquer, the reminder that she is not here is a constant for me and it will be for a while.
On another note...
I am sick right now, I mean really sick... I have the worst sinus headache I have ever had and have gone through 2 entire boxes of tissues in addition to some Zicam, Tylenol Cold and Sinus, and Mucinex- YUCK! I haven't left the house since Thursday. If I were Nick, I would have probably left town by now because I am a bad patient. I mean it, I have been a real jerk. Today I lost it, I mean I really lost it. My sweet hubby put me in the car and took me to Nightime Pediatrics and the first appointment available was at 8 PM, and it was 1! So I just caved- I cried my eyes out. Was I crying because I didn't feel good, sure, but more because I am just so tired! I feel like I just can't catch a break lately! Today is the Super Bowl and people everywhere are at parties, celebrating the great game and here I sit in my pjs sick as a dog feeling sorry for myself! As mom says, this too shall pass. They say God only gives you what you can handle, but I can't handle much more. I think the more appropriate phrase is "God helps you handle what you are given". I will be fine... tomorrow will be a new day, but for now I just had to vent.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Words from Daddy
Nick spoke these heartfelt words tonight at Caroline's Memorial.
"For those of you that did not get a chance to meet Caroline, let me tell you that she was the smallest bundle of so much happiness as well as sadness sent immediately to heaven. Less than 2 pounds and 12 inches long, Caroline lied still in my arms without a heartbeat and without a breath. However, there was something mysteriously and silently beautiful about her. She had her Daddy's ears and lips and her Mommy's nose and toes. She was a wonderful symbol of her parents and the definition of an ANGEL. I used to see angels as wearing white, with wings on their back and donning a halo on their heads. Now, when I think of angels, the only thing I see is our sweet baby Caroline. Why couldn't she stay with us? Why was her life never able to begin? Only God has the answers to these questions. But, if I had to give an answer to these questions I would say that she was sent to heaven to watch over us all and to be with loved ones who have already entered the Pearly Gates.
A lot of times I find myself wondering, what is she doing right now? Sometimes I like to thing she's bouncing on the great big knee of great-grandpa George Klug making him laugh and smile from ear to ear. Maybe she is cuddled up with her other great grandparents, like Mr. and Mrs. Lee Ditmars, or Great Grandpa Keller. I like to think she is connecting them to me because I never had the pleasure of meeting them. Or maybe... now this is a stretch...but just maybe, she is already enrolled in an early-childhood development program and knows her letters A through E of the alphabet. That would make any family, especially one filled with educators, proud!
Regardless of what Caroline is doing now, she is truly missed. She will be in our hearts forever and will never be forgotten. Today we celebrate her short life and we embrace the lessons that she has taught us. Lessons like, LIFE IS PRECIOUS and LIFE HAS NO GUARANTEES.
If I could see my daughter just once more.... I would say...
Caroline, I LOVE YOU!"
We also sung this song and the words are so perfect.
Hymn of Promise
In the bulb there is a flower; in the seed, an apple tree;
In cocoons, a hidden promise: butterflies will soon be free!
In the cold and snow of winter there’s a spring that waits to be,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.
There’s a song in every silence, seeking word and melody;
There’s a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me.
From the past will come the future; what it holds, a mystery,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.
In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity;
In our doubt there is believing; in our life, eternity,
In our death, a resurrection; at the last, a victory,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.
"For those of you that did not get a chance to meet Caroline, let me tell you that she was the smallest bundle of so much happiness as well as sadness sent immediately to heaven. Less than 2 pounds and 12 inches long, Caroline lied still in my arms without a heartbeat and without a breath. However, there was something mysteriously and silently beautiful about her. She had her Daddy's ears and lips and her Mommy's nose and toes. She was a wonderful symbol of her parents and the definition of an ANGEL. I used to see angels as wearing white, with wings on their back and donning a halo on their heads. Now, when I think of angels, the only thing I see is our sweet baby Caroline. Why couldn't she stay with us? Why was her life never able to begin? Only God has the answers to these questions. But, if I had to give an answer to these questions I would say that she was sent to heaven to watch over us all and to be with loved ones who have already entered the Pearly Gates.
A lot of times I find myself wondering, what is she doing right now? Sometimes I like to thing she's bouncing on the great big knee of great-grandpa George Klug making him laugh and smile from ear to ear. Maybe she is cuddled up with her other great grandparents, like Mr. and Mrs. Lee Ditmars, or Great Grandpa Keller. I like to think she is connecting them to me because I never had the pleasure of meeting them. Or maybe... now this is a stretch...but just maybe, she is already enrolled in an early-childhood development program and knows her letters A through E of the alphabet. That would make any family, especially one filled with educators, proud!
Regardless of what Caroline is doing now, she is truly missed. She will be in our hearts forever and will never be forgotten. Today we celebrate her short life and we embrace the lessons that she has taught us. Lessons like, LIFE IS PRECIOUS and LIFE HAS NO GUARANTEES.
If I could see my daughter just once more.... I would say...
Caroline, I LOVE YOU!"
We also sung this song and the words are so perfect.
Hymn of Promise
In the bulb there is a flower; in the seed, an apple tree;
In cocoons, a hidden promise: butterflies will soon be free!
In the cold and snow of winter there’s a spring that waits to be,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.
There’s a song in every silence, seeking word and melody;
There’s a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me.
From the past will come the future; what it holds, a mystery,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.
In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity;
In our doubt there is believing; in our life, eternity,
In our death, a resurrection; at the last, a victory,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Learn from Logan
Get a tissue and spend a few minutes with one wise little boy!
"Logan is a 13 year-old boy who lives on a ranch in a very small town in Nebraska. Logan listens to Christian Radio station 89.3FM KSBJ which broadcasts from Houston, TX. Logan called the radio station distraught because he had to take down a calf . His words have wisdom beyond his years. Since airing the audio of the phone call and now the making of the video clip, it has taken on a life of its own. People are forwarding it all over the world. We encourage you to share the love of Christ with anyone you can."
"Logan is a 13 year-old boy who lives on a ranch in a very small town in Nebraska. Logan listens to Christian Radio station 89.3FM KSBJ which broadcasts from Houston, TX. Logan called the radio station distraught because he had to take down a calf . His words have wisdom beyond his years. Since airing the audio of the phone call and now the making of the video clip, it has taken on a life of its own. People are forwarding it all over the world. We encourage you to share the love of Christ with anyone you can."
The Cross We Bear
I subscribe to http://moutainwings.com , a FREE daily inspirational message service. I don't even remember how I found out about it, but I am so glad that I subscribed. Their messages make you laugh, sometimes cry, and are always uplifting. This was today's message and I needed it.
In addition, I found this cartoon on another blog and wanted to share it.
http://thestanfieldjourney.blogspot.com/2008/01/cross-to-bear.html
Please pray for this family as their little boy, Maddox Donald Stanfield, was born and went to heaven on Wednesday. Today, in Texas, they celebrate his life.
"We complain about the cross we bear, but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot.Whatever your cross, whatever your pain, there will always be sunshine, after the rain.... Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall; But God's always ready, to answer your call.... He knows every heartache, sees every tear, a word from His lips, can calm every fear... Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night, but suddenly vanish at dawn's early light... The Savior is waiting, somewhere above, to give you His grace, and send you His love..."
The crosses we bear are not supposed to be heavy enough to crush us, ...but they are heavy enough to bend us to our knees.
In addition, I found this cartoon on another blog and wanted to share it.
http://thestanfieldjourney.blogspot.com/2008/01/cross-to-bear.html
Please pray for this family as their little boy, Maddox Donald Stanfield, was born and went to heaven on Wednesday. Today, in Texas, they celebrate his life.
"We complain about the cross we bear, but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot.Whatever your cross, whatever your pain, there will always be sunshine, after the rain.... Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall; But God's always ready, to answer your call.... He knows every heartache, sees every tear, a word from His lips, can calm every fear... Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night, but suddenly vanish at dawn's early light... The Savior is waiting, somewhere above, to give you His grace, and send you His love..."
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Just around the corner...
Dearest Caroline,
Tuesday, January 29th is right around the corner. The anticipation of this day is heavy on my mind, for this was supposed to be the day that you were born. Instead, you were still born 3 months and 6 days earlier. I could never have imagined that today I would be missing you instead of waiting for your arrival. Instead of packing a bag to go to the hospital, installing the car seat, and picking out your coming home outfit, I am preparing for your memorial service.
Sometimes it seems as though this just can't be real, I mean did this actually happen?! I said all of this to your daddy the other day (that you are supposed to be here in a few days) and do you know what he said? “She was already here. She already came and went. We had our time... to hold her and see her.” It is so hard to believe that you have already come and gone, that your daddy is right.....and I need to truly accept that this is the way it was supposed to be, that there are no mistakes.
I know that the real reason I write this is for me- to get out all that ‘stuff’ rolling around in my head and hopefully it help others to understand where I am coming from, but my heart hopes that maybe, just maybe, these messages get to you too.
I am so grateful that you came into my life, even if it was for a short time... I will always love you and miss you, and you will always be my first baby, my sweet Caroline. Sometimes I feel selfish missing you so much and wanting you ‘back’ so badly because I do believe you are in a place much better than we can imagine. I just wish I could have held you a little longer, loved you a little more. It is so hard to keep my self focused on the fact that I will see you again and when we do it will be like no time has passed at all.
In the meantime... all my love,
Your Mommy
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
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