Please go to www.cfhusband.blogspot.com and read the story of a very brave family. The mother, Tricia has cystic fibrosis and her little baby girl, Gwyneth, was born at 24 weeks. Her husband, Nate, is doing a really good job keeping up on his blog and their progress. Although I do not know these people, I am requesting prayers for them.
Please take the time to visit them and offer a prayer.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
The Reason God Made Me a Teacher
Somedays I don't feel like I am meant to teach, like I am burnt out, but then days like today..... I know that I am doing what I was meant to do. You forget what an influence you have on these kids and their lives. Sometimes we are the only people they have to really 'be there' for them.One of my students wrote this about ME for an essay for the Carson Scholarship and I just had to share.
This is a hard choice to make because I have lots of people that inspired me in my life, but I would say the most inspiring person to me is my teacher, Mrs. Klug. She is like one of my best friends and I love her like a sister. She inspires me by encouraging me to do good work, not just tests and essays, but everything. Also, she is always there with me when I need help.
She is the nicest teacher I have ever had since first grade. I don't know how she stays so calm and cool in class even if we were being really bad. If she gets mad at us I don't blame her because my class can be very bad sometimes. The point I 'm trying to make is she went to college, which is my life long dream. She became successful in her life. She has a loving husband that she's going to be happy with her whole life. And they will be a happy family one day too.
Also, she's not only a teacher, but she is a friend to all of my classmates. I know this because everyday I hear kids in other classes saying they wish they had Mrs. Klug as a teacher. Also I hear people in my class saying how lucky they are to have her as a teacher and coming up to me and saying how nice she is. Now I think that is a good teacher, don't you?
She always looks out for not only me, but all her other students too. I feel something I never felt about another teacher before. I feel that she really cares about her students, and most of all loves them. Even the students that act up in my class, she cares about them too. She is one of the nicest people I have ever met in my whole entire life. She's so nice, sweet, and kind. I don't know how to describe her, but that's exactly how I want to be when I am older. I might not become successful, but I am nice and kind. Besides, I know that I'll always, no matter what I do, be successful to Mrs. Klug. She may not be the best teacher in the world, but she's the best to me and that's all that really matters because she's the best teacher I know. So that's the one person that inspires me. A lot of people probably wrote about their mom, dad, grandma, or grandpa, etc., but she truly is the person that inspires me. I love you Mrs. Klug, I really do love you, like you are a part of my family. Mrs. Klug and I are a lot alike and that is what inspires me the most. We're good at math and social studies. We're both sensitive, nice, and kind. It's pretty amazing how much I bond with her. I really can't explain it, but Mrs. Klug is my role model.
This is a hard choice to make because I have lots of people that inspired me in my life, but I would say the most inspiring person to me is my teacher, Mrs. Klug. She is like one of my best friends and I love her like a sister. She inspires me by encouraging me to do good work, not just tests and essays, but everything. Also, she is always there with me when I need help.
She is the nicest teacher I have ever had since first grade. I don't know how she stays so calm and cool in class even if we were being really bad. If she gets mad at us I don't blame her because my class can be very bad sometimes. The point I 'm trying to make is she went to college, which is my life long dream. She became successful in her life. She has a loving husband that she's going to be happy with her whole life. And they will be a happy family one day too.
Also, she's not only a teacher, but she is a friend to all of my classmates. I know this because everyday I hear kids in other classes saying they wish they had Mrs. Klug as a teacher. Also I hear people in my class saying how lucky they are to have her as a teacher and coming up to me and saying how nice she is. Now I think that is a good teacher, don't you?
She always looks out for not only me, but all her other students too. I feel something I never felt about another teacher before. I feel that she really cares about her students, and most of all loves them. Even the students that act up in my class, she cares about them too. She is one of the nicest people I have ever met in my whole entire life. She's so nice, sweet, and kind. I don't know how to describe her, but that's exactly how I want to be when I am older. I might not become successful, but I am nice and kind. Besides, I know that I'll always, no matter what I do, be successful to Mrs. Klug. She may not be the best teacher in the world, but she's the best to me and that's all that really matters because she's the best teacher I know. So that's the one person that inspires me. A lot of people probably wrote about their mom, dad, grandma, or grandpa, etc., but she truly is the person that inspires me. I love you Mrs. Klug, I really do love you, like you are a part of my family. Mrs. Klug and I are a lot alike and that is what inspires me the most. We're good at math and social studies. We're both sensitive, nice, and kind. It's pretty amazing how much I bond with her. I really can't explain it, but Mrs. Klug is my role model.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Time
I think time is a funny thing. People have said it takes time to heal, to grieve your loss. One card I got said, "You must use the 3 T's: time, tears, and talk." Sometimes I cannot believe that it has been almost 3 months since Caroline died. And that time frame is so weird because some days it feels like it just happened, and other times it feels like I have been going through this for 3 years, not 3 months. I hate the fact that I am counting the weeks since she has been gone when I should be counting the weeks until she will arrive. I should be 37 weeks pregnant right now! Anyway...I will get absolutely no where with that mindset.
So onto another thought about time...usually you need a good amount of time to get to know someone. Even though I do believe in first impressions, I also think after time your opinion of someone may change, your friendship often strengthened. You usually don't really know someone until you have spent a lot of time with them.
And so it goes with my baby girl... that I didn't have a lot of time with her...so how do I feel like I completely knew her? Someone who was with me for such a little bit of time is such a huge part of who I now am.
I think the simple answer is found in Psalm 139 v 1-16. I am reading a book called Empty Arms (uplifting title, I know) and there is an entire chapter dedicated to the hope and comfort the Bible offers women like me.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be
In this passage, we are told that amidst our pain and sorrow, there is understanding. Caroline was a very real person and when viewing the verses in relation to our loss of her, it is comforting. God was fully aware of my baby girl while she was being formed (v 13) and He was there during her life and death (v 8-10).
So onto another thought about time...usually you need a good amount of time to get to know someone. Even though I do believe in first impressions, I also think after time your opinion of someone may change, your friendship often strengthened. You usually don't really know someone until you have spent a lot of time with them.
And so it goes with my baby girl... that I didn't have a lot of time with her...so how do I feel like I completely knew her? Someone who was with me for such a little bit of time is such a huge part of who I now am.
I think the simple answer is found in Psalm 139 v 1-16. I am reading a book called Empty Arms (uplifting title, I know) and there is an entire chapter dedicated to the hope and comfort the Bible offers women like me.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be
In this passage, we are told that amidst our pain and sorrow, there is understanding. Caroline was a very real person and when viewing the verses in relation to our loss of her, it is comforting. God was fully aware of my baby girl while she was being formed (v 13) and He was there during her life and death (v 8-10).
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Poetry
For me, music (as you have probably noticed) has become a healer. So have many poems I have found. These are just a few I have found.
Can You Be A Mother When Your Baby Is Not With You?
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby" this we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied with confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile, with all the other children and say..."
We go to earth to learn our lessons, of love and life and fear,
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillows where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
"So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home and this is where they'll stay."
"They'll wait for you with Me, until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one."
~ Author Unknown ~
Remembering
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~
Can You Be A Mother When Your Baby Is Not With You?
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby" this we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied with confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile, with all the other children and say..."
We go to earth to learn our lessons, of love and life and fear,
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillows where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
"So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home and this is where they'll stay."
"They'll wait for you with Me, until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one."
~ Author Unknown ~
Remembering
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Coming Out
Well, I finally shared my thoughts by telling everyone about the blog.
I feel like I just came out of the closet- or cocoon I should say...
Anyway, here are some of the beautiful comments that I have received through email. I will keep the writer's identities anonymous ;) just in case they mind. (Hope they don't mind though!) I am so blessed to have so many people who care about me and I truly appreciate all of your prayers.
These words sure made me feel better, so I hope whomever is reading this will too.
"When you do get through this (by "get through" I don't mean "get over", I mean learn how to live again) you will realize just how strong and beautiful you really are. How God knows your strength, and he has grand plans for you! Your life has been forever changed by Caroline, or shall I say forever blessed...I honestly think that Caroline is up there watching over you, rooting for you and when you feel that calm wash over you once in a while, it is probably her. When you see a butterfly, when you smell a flower, see the sunrise or a rainbow...let your heart warm and just say hello to her and smile. There is no "forgetting" or putting it "in the past". But you can, with a lot of hard work, love and support from all of us, take the pain and heartache and turn it into a positive energy."
"Caroline will always be your first baby and always be your daughter. I know you didn't get to share a lifetime with her. But she shared a lifetime with the only person she knew and that was you! She lived happy and warm and got to be nurtured by the only person that could love her the most and that is you! She knew she was adored every day. You became a mother the day you found out she was growing inside your little tummy. You'll always be a mother! And no one can take that away from you ever!"
"I pray for your strength, I cry for you, and I smile every time I think about how your email told about Caroline having Daddy's ears. I can relate to many of your posts...the one about how life is uncertain....so true...I never take a minute for granted anymore now that I know how quickly our "plans" can change and life can take you down a road you have never imagined...Caroline has given you a gift. Because of Caroline, you know how quickly life can change, you know life is short, you know life is beautiful. You hurt more deeply than ever now, but someday, because you know how deep sadness feels, you will feel great happiness too. You know that you can't have one without the other. When the time is right, and you and Nick do have your second child, that child will be loved more than most children because he/she is so wanted and appreciated. The things you know now are something most people never learn."
I feel like I just came out of the closet- or cocoon I should say...
Anyway, here are some of the beautiful comments that I have received through email. I will keep the writer's identities anonymous ;) just in case they mind. (Hope they don't mind though!) I am so blessed to have so many people who care about me and I truly appreciate all of your prayers.
These words sure made me feel better, so I hope whomever is reading this will too.
"When you do get through this (by "get through" I don't mean "get over", I mean learn how to live again) you will realize just how strong and beautiful you really are. How God knows your strength, and he has grand plans for you! Your life has been forever changed by Caroline, or shall I say forever blessed...I honestly think that Caroline is up there watching over you, rooting for you and when you feel that calm wash over you once in a while, it is probably her. When you see a butterfly, when you smell a flower, see the sunrise or a rainbow...let your heart warm and just say hello to her and smile. There is no "forgetting" or putting it "in the past". But you can, with a lot of hard work, love and support from all of us, take the pain and heartache and turn it into a positive energy."
"Caroline will always be your first baby and always be your daughter. I know you didn't get to share a lifetime with her. But she shared a lifetime with the only person she knew and that was you! She lived happy and warm and got to be nurtured by the only person that could love her the most and that is you! She knew she was adored every day. You became a mother the day you found out she was growing inside your little tummy. You'll always be a mother! And no one can take that away from you ever!"
"I pray for your strength, I cry for you, and I smile every time I think about how your email told about Caroline having Daddy's ears. I can relate to many of your posts...the one about how life is uncertain....so true...I never take a minute for granted anymore now that I know how quickly our "plans" can change and life can take you down a road you have never imagined...Caroline has given you a gift. Because of Caroline, you know how quickly life can change, you know life is short, you know life is beautiful. You hurt more deeply than ever now, but someday, because you know how deep sadness feels, you will feel great happiness too. You know that you can't have one without the other. When the time is right, and you and Nick do have your second child, that child will be loved more than most children because he/she is so wanted and appreciated. The things you know now are something most people never learn."
Monday, January 7, 2008
Praise You in the Storm
Another great song I had to share. Thank you Lori for sharing it with me. I love this lyric~
"Every tear I cry, you hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn.... I will praise you in this storm."
"Every tear I cry, you hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn.... I will praise you in this storm."
Saturday, January 5, 2008
moving on
There has been a lot of thought in my mind lately about moving on... so many people have given me the advice that I needed to hear. Here is some of it:
"You don't get over it, you get through it."
"Caroline will always be a part of our family"
"She has changed us forever and we will never forget her."
"God doesn't give us what we can handle, he helps us handle what we are given."
It isn't that I don't agree with all of that, I do, but the fact of the matter is that this grieving business is tiring! I am tired! I don't want to forget, and of course I never will, but I want to move on, move forward, and just plain feel like my old self again. I don't want to think of what happened all day everyday! I think of this anaology. You know how on your computer desktop you can create folders and you can 'put stuff away'. I wish it was that way. I wish I could put it away when I didn't want to think of it and go on with my happy life, and take it out when I want to. Instead, and the beauty of it is, I cannot put it away. And why would I want to? She is always right here with me. My best friend got me a bracelet that says, "I AM ALWAYS WITH YOU", and it is the subtle reminder on my wrist every moment that she is STILL here and always will be. I feel guilty sometimes 'moving on', going forward with normal (whatever that is) day to day life, but the reality is that is what we have to do... just keep breathing, and living.
I know many people are still praying for us, and I hope it is ok that I ask, but I would like to pray specifically for these things:
that God will continue to provide us with comfort and peace
the strength to 'move on' with our lives
the blessing of another pregnancy when the timing is right
"You don't get over it, you get through it."
"Caroline will always be a part of our family"
"She has changed us forever and we will never forget her."
"God doesn't give us what we can handle, he helps us handle what we are given."
It isn't that I don't agree with all of that, I do, but the fact of the matter is that this grieving business is tiring! I am tired! I don't want to forget, and of course I never will, but I want to move on, move forward, and just plain feel like my old self again. I don't want to think of what happened all day everyday! I think of this anaology. You know how on your computer desktop you can create folders and you can 'put stuff away'. I wish it was that way. I wish I could put it away when I didn't want to think of it and go on with my happy life, and take it out when I want to. Instead, and the beauty of it is, I cannot put it away. And why would I want to? She is always right here with me. My best friend got me a bracelet that says, "I AM ALWAYS WITH YOU", and it is the subtle reminder on my wrist every moment that she is STILL here and always will be. I feel guilty sometimes 'moving on', going forward with normal (whatever that is) day to day life, but the reality is that is what we have to do... just keep breathing, and living.
I know many people are still praying for us, and I hope it is ok that I ask, but I would like to pray specifically for these things:
that God will continue to provide us with comfort and peace
the strength to 'move on' with our lives
the blessing of another pregnancy when the timing is right
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Friends
Lately I have been frustrated that so many of my friends don't say Caroline's name, actually many don't say anything about her at all. I know there is fear of saying the wrong thing, so unfortunately many people say nothing at all about what happened.
I just recieved this email from a dear friend that reminded me that even though people may not be talking about it to me, they are still thinking of us and praying for us.
Days when the sun shines bright, how grand we hold a special friend, good to share with each other, for the friendship road has no end. Then the days become long and weary, many is touched with grief and fear, then the friendship becomes much stronger and we pray for each other and show how we care!
The burdens get much lighter while friends are lifting us up in prayer.
They tell God to hold our hand, for special friends always understand. Our world would not be very happy and the days would be long and dreary without the special bond of friendship that we all hold so dear. I talk to God for you each day. May you feel loved in every way!
I just recieved this email from a dear friend that reminded me that even though people may not be talking about it to me, they are still thinking of us and praying for us.
Days when the sun shines bright, how grand we hold a special friend, good to share with each other, for the friendship road has no end. Then the days become long and weary, many is touched with grief and fear, then the friendship becomes much stronger and we pray for each other and show how we care!
The burdens get much lighter while friends are lifting us up in prayer.
They tell God to hold our hand, for special friends always understand. Our world would not be very happy and the days would be long and dreary without the special bond of friendship that we all hold so dear. I talk to God for you each day. May you feel loved in every way!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
The Circle Analogy
"The circle analogy"
Draw a circle. This circle is your life.
Draw a slightly smaller circle inside of the first circle.
It's okay if the edges touch in some places. This circle is your grief.
Now you can see that your grief almost totally fills your life.
There isn't room for anything else. Your life and your grief are one.
Now draw another circle the same size as your grief circle.
This circle is still your grief.
Draw a larger circle around it. This is your life in the future.
Your grief is still there, still the same size, but now there is space around it for other aspects of your life. As time goes on, the circle of your life grows and includes many other things, but your grief remains. It doesn't
go away. It doesn't get smaller. But now there is room for other things and you are not always focused on the grief. You can laugh at a joke, go to a party, get a new job, maybe have living children, but your circle of grief is still there.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Jesus, Bring the Rain
I am so glad that our faith is not based on how we feel about God, but on who He really is. Believe me... there are days I don't feel like I want to believe, really there are days I just don't feel much at all.
I have never thought of myself as a very religious person. I mean, I grew up going to church and certainly believed in God, but I guess I never thought of myself as having a very strong faith.
I can now say that during this difficult time my faith has certainly been strengthened. That is not to say that it hasn't been questioned too, it has, but more importantly I feel that when everything else was stripped away, when I was in the depths of my pain, I was given a chance to analyze what really matters and for me the only choice I can continue to find is to draw closer to HIM. The song below expresses those thoughts better than I ever could.
Bring The Rain
by: Mercy Me
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVT2-vXXxME
I have never thought of myself as a very religious person. I mean, I grew up going to church and certainly believed in God, but I guess I never thought of myself as having a very strong faith.
I can now say that during this difficult time my faith has certainly been strengthened. That is not to say that it hasn't been questioned too, it has, but more importantly I feel that when everything else was stripped away, when I was in the depths of my pain, I was given a chance to analyze what really matters and for me the only choice I can continue to find is to draw closer to HIM. The song below expresses those thoughts better than I ever could.
Bring The Rain
by: Mercy Me
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVT2-vXXxME
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