Milestones

I haven't posted lately, I guess I am at a loss for words. After my last post, and all that Nick said, I am not sure I can top that ;)...

So...I dreaded Christmas, really, I didn't want to decorate or celebrate at all. I put up my nativity scene and the manger made by my grandfather and that was it. But then Nick dragged out all of the boxes and once the house was finally wrapped in the spirit I was glad. Christmas came and went and I was so glad to finally meet 2008 thinking we would have a new 'fresh' start.
Next came my due date and I was dreading it, really I was... I was absolutely sick about it. It all seemed surreal- I was planning to have a baby that day but she had already come and gone...
I was going to take the day off work, but then decided not to. I figured it would be best to go in and 'take my mind off of it'. About half way through the morning routine as my students were unpacking, one of my little girls said, "Mrs. Klug, can I change the date for you?" I probably had subconsciouly chose not to write January 29th on the chalkboard and was so glad she did it for me. So that day, like Christmas, came and went. Was it hard? yes of course, but as you know from the last posts, we had a memorial service on January 27th, 2 days before my due date, and that helped me a lot. It gave me a sense of peace and comfort. I felt that we finally recognized and celebrated Caroline's life publicly with our friends and family.
I keep thinking,"Ok,I got past that, now what?" and then I realized the other day when buying a baby gift for a friend as the fluffy, pastel dresses caught my eye... that Easter, too, will be hard. There will be no first Easter dress or bonnet to wear to church. There won't be a basket filled to the brim or the trip to the mall to take her picture with the bunny. I guess what I am coming to terms with is the fact that no matter how many days pass, no matter which 'milestones' I conquer, the reminder that she is not here is a constant for me and it will be for a while.

On another note...
I am sick right now, I mean really sick... I have the worst sinus headache I have ever had and have gone through 2 entire boxes of tissues in addition to some Zicam, Tylenol Cold and Sinus, and Mucinex- YUCK! I haven't left the house since Thursday. If I were Nick, I would have probably left town by now because I am a bad patient. I mean it, I have been a real jerk. Today I lost it, I mean I really lost it. My sweet hubby put me in the car and took me to Nightime Pediatrics and the first appointment available was at 8 PM, and it was 1! So I just caved- I cried my eyes out. Was I crying because I didn't feel good, sure, but more because I am just so tired! I feel like I just can't catch a break lately! Today is the Super Bowl and people everywhere are at parties, celebrating the great game and here I sit in my pjs sick as a dog feeling sorry for myself! As mom says, this too shall pass. They say God only gives you what you can handle, but I can't handle much more. I think the more appropriate phrase is "God helps you handle what you are given". I will be fine... tomorrow will be a new day, but for now I just had to vent.

Words from Daddy

Nick spoke these heartfelt words tonight at Caroline's Memorial.

"For those of you that did not get a chance to meet Caroline, let me tell you that she was the smallest bundle of so much happiness as well as sadness sent immediately to heaven. Less than 2 pounds and 12 inches long, Caroline lied still in my arms without a heartbeat and without a breath. However, there was something mysteriously and silently beautiful about her. She had her Daddy's ears and lips and her Mommy's nose and toes. She was a wonderful symbol of her parents and the definition of an ANGEL. I used to see angels as wearing white, with wings on their back and donning a halo on their heads. Now, when I think of angels, the only thing I see is our sweet baby Caroline. Why couldn't she stay with us? Why was her life never able to begin? Only God has the answers to these questions. But, if I had to give an answer to these questions I would say that she was sent to heaven to watch over us all and to be with loved ones who have already entered the Pearly Gates.
A lot of times I find myself wondering, what is she doing right now? Sometimes I like to thing she's bouncing on the great big knee of great-grandpa George Klug making him laugh and smile from ear to ear. Maybe she is cuddled up with her other great grandparents, like Mr. and Mrs. Lee Ditmars, or Great Grandpa Keller. I like to think she is connecting them to me because I never had the pleasure of meeting them. Or maybe... now this is a stretch...but just maybe, she is already enrolled in an early-childhood development program and knows her letters A through E of the alphabet. That would make any family, especially one filled with educators, proud!

Regardless of what Caroline is doing now, she is truly missed. She will be in our hearts forever and will never be forgotten. Today we celebrate her short life and we embrace the lessons that she has taught us. Lessons like, LIFE IS PRECIOUS and LIFE HAS NO GUARANTEES.

If I could see my daughter just once more.... I would say...
Caroline, I LOVE YOU!"


We also sung this song and the words are so perfect.

Hymn of Promise
In the bulb there is a flower; in the seed, an apple tree;
In cocoons, a hidden promise: butterflies will soon be free!
In the cold and snow of winter there’s a spring that waits to be,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

There’s a song in every silence, seeking word and melody;
There’s a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me.
From the past will come the future; what it holds, a mystery,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity;
In our doubt there is believing; in our life, eternity,
In our death, a resurrection; at the last, a victory,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

Learn from Logan

Get a tissue and spend a few minutes with one wise little boy!


"Logan is a 13 year-old boy who lives on a ranch in a very small town in Nebraska. Logan listens to Christian Radio station 89.3FM KSBJ which broadcasts from Houston, TX. Logan called the radio station distraught because he had to take down a calf . His words have wisdom beyond his years. Since airing the audio of the phone call and now the making of the video clip, it has taken on a life of its own. People are forwarding it all over the world. We encourage you to share the love of Christ with anyone you can."

The Cross We Bear

I subscribe to http://moutainwings.com , a FREE daily inspirational message service. I don't even remember how I found out about it, but I am so glad that I subscribed. Their messages make you laugh, sometimes cry, and are always uplifting. This was today's message and I needed it.

The crosses we bear are not supposed to be heavy enough to crush us, ...but they are heavy enough to bend us to our knees.

In addition, I found this cartoon on another blog and wanted to share it.
http://thestanfieldjourney.blogspot.com/2008/01/cross-to-bear.html

Please pray for this family as their little boy, Maddox Donald Stanfield, was born and went to heaven on Wednesday. Today, in Texas, they celebrate his life.


"We complain about the cross we bear, but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot.Whatever your cross, whatever your pain, there will always be sunshine, after the rain.... Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall; But God's always ready, to answer your call.... He knows every heartache, sees every tear, a word from His lips, can calm every fear... Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night, but suddenly vanish at dawn's early light... The Savior is waiting, somewhere above, to give you His grace, and send you His love..."

Just around the corner...

Dearest Caroline,
Tuesday, January 29th is right around the corner. The anticipation of this day is heavy on my mind, for this was supposed to be the day that you were born. Instead, you were still born 3 months and 6 days earlier. I could never have imagined that today I would be missing you instead of waiting for your arrival. Instead of packing a bag to go to the hospital, installing the car seat, and picking out your coming home outfit, I am preparing for your memorial service.

Sometimes it seems as though this just can't be real, I mean did this actually happen?! I said all of this to your daddy the other day (that you are supposed to be here in a few days) and do you know what he said? “She was already here. She already came and went. We had our time... to hold her and see her.” It is so hard to believe that you have already come and gone, that your daddy is right.....and I need to truly accept that this is the way it was supposed to be, that there are no mistakes.

I know that the real reason I write this is for me- to get out all that ‘stuff’ rolling around in my head and hopefully it help others to understand where I am coming from, but my heart hopes that maybe, just maybe, these messages get to you too.

I am so grateful that you came into my life, even if it was for a short time... I will always love you and miss you, and you will always be my first baby, my sweet Caroline. Sometimes I feel selfish missing you so much and wanting you ‘back’ so badly because I do believe you are in a place much better than we can imagine. I just wish I could have held you a little longer, loved you a little more. It is so hard to keep my self focused on the fact that I will see you again and when we do it will be like no time has passed at all.

In the meantime... all my love,
Your Mommy

Check out my Guestbook!

Tricia and Nate

Please go to www.cfhusband.blogspot.com and read the story of a very brave family. The mother, Tricia has cystic fibrosis and her little baby girl, Gwyneth, was born at 24 weeks. Her husband, Nate, is doing a really good job keeping up on his blog and their progress. Although I do not know these people, I am requesting prayers for them.
Please take the time to visit them and offer a prayer.

The Reason God Made Me a Teacher

Somedays I don't feel like I am meant to teach, like I am burnt out, but then days like today..... I know that I am doing what I was meant to do. You forget what an influence you have on these kids and their lives. Sometimes we are the only people they have to really 'be there' for them.One of my students wrote this about ME for an essay for the Carson Scholarship and I just had to share.
This is a hard choice to make because I have lots of people that inspired me in my life, but I would say the most inspiring person to me is my teacher, Mrs. Klug. She is like one of my best friends and I love her like a sister. She inspires me by encouraging me to do good work, not just tests and essays, but everything. Also, she is always there with me when I need help.

She is the nicest teacher I have ever had since first grade. I don't know how she stays so calm and cool in class even if we were being really bad. If she gets mad at us I don't blame her because my class can be very bad sometimes. The point I 'm trying to make is she went to college, which is my life long dream. She became successful in her life. She has a loving husband that she's going to be happy with her whole life. And they will be a happy family one day too.

Also, she's not only a teacher, but she is a friend to all of my classmates. I know this because everyday I hear kids in other classes saying they wish they had Mrs. Klug as a teacher. Also I hear people in my class saying how lucky they are to have her as a teacher and coming up to me and saying how nice she is. Now I think that is a good teacher, don't you?

She always looks out for not only me, but all her other students too. I feel something I never felt about another teacher before. I feel that she really cares about her students, and most of all loves them. Even the students that act up in my class, she cares about them too. She is one of the nicest people I have ever met in my whole entire life. She's so nice, sweet, and kind. I don't know how to describe her, but that's exactly how I want to be when I am older. I might not become successful, but I am nice and kind. Besides, I know that I'll always, no matter what I do, be successful to Mrs. Klug. She may not be the best teacher in the world, but she's the best to me and that's all that really matters because she's the best teacher I know. So that's the one person that inspires me. A lot of people probably wrote about their mom, dad, grandma, or grandpa, etc., but she truly is the person that inspires me. I love you Mrs. Klug, I really do love you, like you are a part of my family. Mrs. Klug and I are a lot alike and that is what inspires me the most. We're good at math and social studies. We're both sensitive, nice, and kind. It's pretty amazing how much I bond with her. I really can't explain it, but Mrs. Klug is my role model.

Time

I think time is a funny thing. People have said it takes time to heal, to grieve your loss. One card I got said, "You must use the 3 T's: time, tears, and talk." Sometimes I cannot believe that it has been almost 3 months since Caroline died. And that time frame is so weird because some days it feels like it just happened, and other times it feels like I have been going through this for 3 years, not 3 months. I hate the fact that I am counting the weeks since she has been gone when I should be counting the weeks until she will arrive. I should be 37 weeks pregnant right now! Anyway...I will get absolutely no where with that mindset.
So onto another thought about time...usually you need a good amount of time to get to know someone. Even though I do believe in first impressions, I also think after time your opinion of someone may change, your friendship often strengthened. You usually don't really know someone until you have spent a lot of time with them.
And so it goes with my baby girl... that I didn't have a lot of time with her...so how do I feel like I completely knew her? Someone who was with me for such a little bit of time is such a huge part of who I now am.

I think the simple answer is found in Psalm 139 v 1-16. I am reading a book called Empty Arms (uplifting title, I know) and there is an entire chapter dedicated to the hope and comfort the Bible offers women like me.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be
In this passage, we are told that amidst our pain and sorrow, there is understanding. Caroline was a very real person and when viewing the verses in relation to our loss of her, it is comforting. God was fully aware of my baby girl while she was being formed (v 13) and He was there during her life and death (v 8-10).

Poetry

For me, music (as you have probably noticed) has become a healer. So have many poems I have found. These are just a few I have found.

Can You Be A Mother When Your Baby Is Not With You?
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby" this we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied with confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile, with all the other children and say..."
We go to earth to learn our lessons, of love and life and fear,
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillows where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
"So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home and this is where they'll stay."
"They'll wait for you with Me, until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one."
~ Author Unknown ~


Remembering
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~

Coming Out

Well, I finally shared my thoughts by telling everyone about the blog.
I feel like I just came out of the closet- or cocoon I should say...
Anyway, here are some of the beautiful comments that I have received through email. I will keep the writer's identities anonymous ;) just in case they mind. (Hope they don't mind though!) I am so blessed to have so many people who care about me and I truly appreciate all of your prayers.

These words sure made me feel better, so I hope whomever is reading this will too.

"When you do get through this (by "get through" I don't mean "get over", I mean learn how to live again) you will realize just how strong and beautiful you really are. How God knows your strength, and he has grand plans for you! Your life has been forever changed by Caroline, or shall I say forever blessed...I honestly think that Caroline is up there watching over you, rooting for you and when you feel that calm wash over you once in a while, it is probably her. When you see a butterfly, when you smell a flower, see the sunrise or a rainbow...let your heart warm and just say hello to her and smile. There is no "forgetting" or putting it "in the past". But you can, with a lot of hard work, love and support from all of us, take the pain and heartache and turn it into a positive energy."

"Caroline will always be your first baby and always be your daughter. I know you didn't get to share a lifetime with her. But she shared a lifetime with the only person she knew and that was you! She lived happy and warm and got to be nurtured by the only person that could love her the most and that is you! She knew she was adored every day. You became a mother the day you found out she was growing inside your little tummy. You'll always be a mother! And no one can take that away from you ever!"

"I pray for your strength, I cry for you, and I smile every time I think about how your email told about Caroline having Daddy's ears. I can relate to many of your posts...the one about how life is uncertain....so true...I never take a minute for granted anymore now that I know how quickly our "plans" can change and life can take you down a road you have never imagined...Caroline has given you a gift. Because of Caroline, you know how quickly life can change, you know life is short, you know life is beautiful. You hurt more deeply than ever now, but someday, because you know how deep sadness feels, you will feel great happiness too. You know that you can't have one without the other. When the time is right, and you and Nick do have your second child, that child will be loved more than most children because he/she is so wanted and appreciated. The things you know now are something most people never learn."

Praise You in the Storm

Another great song I had to share. Thank you Lori for sharing it with me. I love this lyric~
"Every tear I cry, you hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn.... I will praise you in this storm."

moving on

There has been a lot of thought in my mind lately about moving on... so many people have given me the advice that I needed to hear. Here is some of it:
"You don't get over it, you get through it."
"Caroline will always be a part of our family"
"She has changed us forever and we will never forget her."
"God doesn't give us what we can handle, he helps us handle what we are given."
It isn't that I don't agree with all of that, I do, but the fact of the matter is that this grieving business is tiring! I am tired! I don't want to forget, and of course I never will, but I want to move on, move forward, and just plain feel like my old self again. I don't want to think of what happened all day everyday! I think of this anaology. You know how on your computer desktop you can create folders and you can 'put stuff away'. I wish it was that way. I wish I could put it away when I didn't want to think of it and go on with my happy life, and take it out when I want to. Instead, and the beauty of it is, I cannot put it away. And why would I want to? She is always right here with me. My best friend got me a bracelet that says, "I AM ALWAYS WITH YOU", and it is the subtle reminder on my wrist every moment that she is STILL here and always will be. I feel guilty sometimes 'moving on', going forward with normal (whatever that is) day to day life, but the reality is that is what we have to do... just keep breathing, and living.

I know many people are still praying for us, and I hope it is ok that I ask, but I would like to pray specifically for these things:
that God will continue to provide us with comfort and peace
the strength to 'move on' with our lives
the blessing of another pregnancy when the timing is right